Stargate Atlantis FanFic

Titel: Battle with the Mind’s eye
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Drama

Progress:
Chapters 1 to 11 Completed

Remark:
Elizabeth's POV, John's POV will follow in Outside the Mind's eye, busy writing chapter one...

***** Chapter 1 *****

Elizabeth woke up and opened her eyes. Everything around her was dark and she couldn’t see anything. A terrible headache made her close her eyes for a moment, before she slowly opened them again. Her whole body was trembling and cold shivers ran along her spine. She didn’t remember were she was or how she had gotten here. However, she knew for sure she wasn’t in a familiar environment; considering the cold and moist dirt beneath her body. Moving her limbs was painful and made her more aware of the wet clothes stuck to her body. Her back was benumbed from the cold ground. In addition, a flow of freezing air enfolded around her and a few droplets of cold rain fell on her face. Carefully she moved her hands to her face and wiped the droplets away. With her fingertips, she scanned the surface of her skin. Her normal smooth face was covered with scratches and a large cut on the left side of her forehead could explain the cause for the headache. She had no clue on how serious the injury to her head was, but it had to be extensive. How else would she not remember a thing about what had happened to her.

The last thing she did remembered was diner. She had walked to the mess hall, taken a food tray and entered the line. She had been standing right behind Colonel Sheppard, who graciously offered her his place in line. With a smile on her face, she had declined and they had started some small talk. She however couldn’t remember what it was they were talking about. Neither did she know what she had taken for diner. Nevertheless, she was sure she had taken the food tray to her office, like she always did when she had to file reports. If she was honest to herself, she was not sure she had actually eaten something and every memory after this was a blur. Only small bits and pieces came to mind. A memory of an activated Stargate, John bringing a cup of coffee, the open window in her room and Doctor Beckett standing in the infirmary with a concerned expression on his face. None of it made sense and there seemed no relation between the memory flashes in her head. Each vision was repeated over and over and she could spell out every detail of them, but no new information could be accessed. A strange fear arose, replacing her fragile memories bit by bit.

Despite how desperately she wanted to figure out what had happened to her, she knew it was much more important to find out where she was. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, but still she couldn’t see anything. Either her eyes were blinded or there was not a single speck of light in the complete darkness. Since her vision was failing her, she focused on listening to the sounds around her. In the distance a constant stream of cheerful twitters sounded. Nearby she heard crickets chirring. Even the faint sound of rain dripping down on the ground made it to her ears. The wind softly combed the grasses, passed through tree branches and played with the leaves within its grasp. Minute after minute passed, but there was no sound that would give her a clue to where she was, other then that she was somewhere in the wilderness. All of a sudden a loud screeching sound pierced the air. The echo slowly faded in the distance, but the mark of fear remained in her mind. She had no idea what had made the sound or where it originated, but the intensity warned her it wasn’t far from her position.

She was terrified and lay as still as possible. She hoped she wouldn’t hear the sound again or meet the animal that had caused it. An unexpected gust of wind startled her and increased her anxiety. Fear started to take over and controlled her body. Even the soft friendly sounds of the wilderness around made her more nervous. Serotonin flowed in every vain of her body and she felt completely helpless. Without having the ability to see the environment around her, she wouldn’t be able to defend herself properly. For all she knew, she could place herself in more trouble while trying to get to safety or keeping herself alive.

After lying motionless for a while, she decided to crawl around in the hope she would find something that could tell her where she was. Cautiously she tried moving her arms, legs, hands and feet. Although it was less then pleasant, she could move them. Her hands searched the ground around her. Other then the damp soil, only tiny sharp pieces of rock and small pebbles lay in the near vicinity of her body. With the support of her arms and legs, she manoeuvred her body on to her side. The air was sucked out of her lungs and instantly she had to swallow groans of pain. She bit her lips and rolled further until she was sitting on her hands and knees. The pain in her chest remained, but she was able to breathe again. Quickly her lungs filled with the freezing air, shortly numbing the pain. The next inhalation however initiated a coughing fit. With every effort, she tried not to make a sound, but this failed when the salty taste of blood in her mouth distracted her. It seemed she had suffered more then just a head injury. A few bruised or broken ribs could be added to the list.

She moved her hand for her mouth and muffled the coughs while she caught her breathe. Meanwhile her ears tried to focus on the sounds that filled the night. Her main concern was if her coughing had caught unwanted attraction. Luckily, all she heard were the sounds she had heard before. The wind ruffled with the local vegetation, crickets still chirred and birds sang their songs. Everything had returned to normal. Slowly she started to calm down and slowly she scanned the ground with her hands before she moved forward. With slow movements, she pushed forward until she couldn’t go any further.

With her hands, she had discovered a wall of stone. The cold surface was as high and as wide as her arms could reach. Now she had to choose to go left, right or stay where she was. It would be so much easier if she could think straight or remember something useful. The situation didn’t make sense, yet she didn’t feel safe where she was. Left or right, right or left. Left, she would go left. Still inspecting the wall, she moved along the rocks. Smooth rain dripped over her hands while the surface under her delicate fingertips was rugged, many sharp point and deep cracks characterizing the composition of the wall.

She had no sense of the distance she had moved, but as long as she kept moving, she felt a lot more secure than when she was sitting still. Slowly the foreign sounds started to become familiar and safe. It compiled a constant dancing flow that filled the silence. It had a tranquil effect on her and gave her strength to keep moving.

After a while, she found bushes replacing the rock. Hard branches, small rough leaves and many sharp thorns were hurting her hands. The stinging pain quickly turned into a burning sensation and not long after that she lost the feeling in her hands and they turned completely numb. She had lost her only way to safely move around. Disappointment sunk in along with the realization that she had no other option then to wait for daylight.

Time past by, but she didn’t know how long she had sat there. Her back leaned against the rocks and bushes covered her right flank. The combination of the freezing cold and her injuries were taking its toll. She was getting tired and had trouble staying awake. Doubt started to fill her mind as well. Was she supposed to move around or wasn’t she. Maybe someone had left her where she had woken up and would return for her. However, she had moved and was all by herself now. In a moment of clarity, she searched the pockets of her jacket for her radio. Each time her hand entered a pocket she felt the thorns wiggle themselves deeper in her skin. Again, she had to deal with a setback. All her effort had no result. The radio was not in her jacket. She quietly sighed and closed her eyes for a moment.

A high yelp made her jump. Her heart rate and breathing increased. Before she was able to calm down, she received another shock when she heard more animals yelping. The sound penetrated her ears and travelled through every bone in her body. Even while it all seemed quite a distance away from her, she was scared.

Tears from fatigue and helplessness formed in the corner of her eyes. When they emerged, they slowly ran down along her cheeks. She wiped them from her face, leaving scratches from the thorns in her hand behind. She suffered from the pain until her face turned numb too. Every minute she fought to stay awake and every minute she got weaker, until she surrendered and fell asleep.

***** Chapter 2 *****

Elizabeth woke up when a hand pressed against her mouth. Someone hushed her to be silent, but her instinct overruled and she fought against the restraint. The hand pressed with more force on her face and again she heard the hush to be silent. She could feel the warm breathe near her ear. There was something in the sound that made her decide not to fight any longer. As a reward, the pressure on her face was reduced. The hand still remained on its position, but it felt less threatening. She determined that the person near to her had to be a man. The large hand covered a big part of her face and the palm was rougher then a woman’s skin.

After a short while, she felt the hand being removed from her face. She used the opportunity to take a deep breath and inhaled as much oxygen as possible. Before she could ask who the man was, what had happened, or why he had hushed her, a gag was forced in her mouth. With all strength that was left in her body, she fought against the threatening action, until she felt her body being restraint by his. Again, she heard him hush her urgently to be silent. His hands kept her arms in place and his body pressed against her chest. The pain in her chest made breathing difficult and she had no other choice then to stop fighting.

All muscles in her body relaxed and she felt the man shift his weight to reward her. He removed one hand from her arm; she did not move and after he had removed the other hand too, she cautiously started to pull her arms towards her body. Her movements initiated a simultaneous response and the man positioned his hands back on her arms. Although this time, he did not restrain her, but guided her arms, until they were close to her body and she relaxed her muscles again. Realization about how vulnerable she was sunk in. Even if she could fight off the man there was no way she could escape in the dark.

The man removed his hands from her arms again and she felt him pull a piece of cloth around her face to keep the gag in place. He turned her head and without any protest, she let him tie a knot behind her head. Another piece of cloth was pressed against the cut on her forehead and secured with a few pieces of tape. This man had robbed her of her right to speak but on the other hand, he had bandaged her injury. He behaved contradictorily, just like the thoughts in her mind were in contradiction. Her instinct told her to fight him, while rationally she knew she had no choice but to trust him. At least she was no longer alone.

The loud screeching sound pierced the air again. This time the sound had been closer and the pitching echo slowly dissolved in the distance. Fearful hissing and movement in the bushes nearby made her sick to her stomach. She kept her body still and held her breathe. She had not been this scared in many years. It seemed like a very bad nightmare that had come to life. Yet, an awkward safe feeling emerged when she felt the man’s hand pressed over her mouth again. Seconds seemed minutes while she lay helplessly waiting for what was about to come. The uncertainty was killing her, but she had to pull through. The sound of slow fluttering caused the man to increase the pressure on her face. She could feel large rain droplets hit her face with high impact. Suddenly she heard many branches cracking, followed by a large thud and terrified yelping only a few yards away. Intense freezing gusts of wind flew along her body in the same rhythm as the fluttering sound made. Within seconds, the sound and wind moved away. It still took a while before the man released his grip on her face, letting her know the immediate danger had passed.

Finally, she dared to breathe normal again. A couple of deep breathes were necessary to calm down and push the anxious feeling from her thoughts. She moved one of her arms to search for the man when he grabbed it. She felt insecure, but did not fight and let him move her arm to the side of her body. It seemed this man was trying to help her, but why would he gag her and why did he not say anything to her. She had a small spark of hope that the man with her was either John or Ronon. This thought comforted her shortly until she felt his hand move under her shirt. Her body jerked and struggled to avoid his touch. His hand continued to move along her skin to her chest while he used his other hand to restrain one of her arms. She was in agony when he rubbed along her ribs with his thumb. Without the gag, she would have cried out, not only from pain, but also from fear of what this man was about to do with her.

This moment would be one of the last chances to free herself. She struggled with everything in her power. She wildly shook her head, kicked with her legs and tried to scratch the man in his face with her nails. However, the more she fought him, the more he restrained her. The pain in her body had become unbearable, making the dark world spin around her. She couldn’t breathe and knew her body was failing her. Tears rolled from her eyes when she surrendered. Her whole body kept shivering from the extreme tension that had passed through it. She noticed something stung her in her leg but she didn’t dare to move. The man had partially released her, but she knew he was a lot stronger then she was. Slowly she calmed down. Her limbs became heavier then before and she couldn’t focus. The sounds that had kept her company for hours became fogged. She realized the sting she had felt in her leg was used to sedate her. No matter how hard she tried, the dazed feeling started to take over and wiped away every thought from her mind.

***** Chapter 3 *****

Elizabeth woke up and immediately noticed one of her hands was tied behind her back. A strong hand held the other one tightly. It wasn’t long before she remembered what had happened in the past few hours and it was only moment later that she discovered what had caused her to waken up. She felt a terrible pain in her hand when the man removed one of the thorns. The thorn was stuck deep in her flesh and kept in place by several small flukes. While pulling the thorn out, her skin tore open, creating a painful, bleeding wound. She could not guess how many thorns were in her hands, but knew it were quite a few. She still felt groggy from the sedative and could not move. The pain however, kept her alert when the man removed another thorn. She counted seven thorns before he put her hand down. Something popped near her ear and she heard liquid being poured onto something. Not long after the man had stopped what seemed like spilling something, she felt a drenched piece of cloth being wrapped around her hand. The liquid filled the deep gashes and burned them clean. If it wasn’t for the gag to keep her silent, she would have cried from the unexpected level of pain. Quickly another piece of cloth was wrapped around her hand before it was tied to her back.

Before she fully understood her situation, with both her hands tied behind her back, her other hand was released. The man repeated each step. He removed the thorns from the hand, quickly and professionally. Eight thorns were removed when the man wrapped her hand in another piece of drenched cloth and covered it with a dry piece. He placed her hand on her back and tied her up. He secured both hands with a large piece of cloth that he knotted in front of her body. There were so many pieces of cloth around her hands that she would never be able to free herself. It had felt bad that her hand had turned numb and she was unable to move in the dark, but her painful hands being tied behind her back was far more worse. Her body entered a state where uncontrollable trembling ruled her limbs.

Was it possible that she had been taken prisoner? Creepy thoughts formed and then they faded with the same speed that they had come. Whatever the man had used to tranquillize and control her, it worked. There was nothing she could do to help herself and she had to fight very hard not to fall asleep. Her body was weak and the medicines strong. It was strange not to be the person in control and making the decisions. This time, she had obtained the weaker position. Not to mention the fact that she was a woman, delivered to this man’s grace. What really bugged her was that he hadn’t said anything since he had hushed her into silence. It appeared that they were no longer in any danger, but still he preserved the complete silence. Had he tried to help her or were there foul thought on his mind. More tears left her eyes while she tried to push away the images about what this man could do to her.

She closed her eyes and listened to the beauty of nature. A few hours ago, she had been terrified by the sounds, but now she enjoyed them. The sounds in the distance were able to calm her down. She focused on the different kinds of twitters she heard. The melodies these birds sang were cheerful. Birds did not have to worry about the complexities of life. What was the reason that kept her from forgetting about her job for just one day? Each day, each hour she was busy working. Even now, she could not forget about it, but this time it changed her focus and made her feel a bit more secure. It was very possible that she had ended up in her current position because of a mission that had taken a bad turn. She still could not remember anything, but knew she had to stay calm and stay alive. Sooner or later someone would come looking for her. They would never leave anyone behind. This thought caused a weak and faint smile on her lips. She would pull through no matter what would happen to her in the meantime.

She had been lying on her side for several minutes, when the man pulled her up to a sitting position. Her body was aching and pain filled her mind. It took a few seconds before she was able to breathe normal again. A warm hand lifted her cold and soaked shirt from her skin. She took deep breathes and focused on the birdsongs. However, the sound of cloth being cut could not be denied the attention it wanted. Within seconds the freezing air got more access to her skin. After the hem of her shirt had been cut, she could briefly feel the sharp and cold tip of the knife, the man was using, on her neck. Fear started to win the fight for control over her mind and body again. Her heart rate increased and her breathing followed to supply the extra need of oxygen. The man placed his hand on her chest, causing her to panic further. Her lungs seemed incapable of getting enough oxygen in her blood stream and she got short of breath. Her chest heaved rapidly to try to correct the lack of oxygen. Anxiety made her loose complete control. Her head started spinning and she felt the world turn around her. There were no longer sounds in the distance. Everything was black and silent around her. Only the touch on her chest remained imprinted in her mind. His hand worked quickly up to her bra. She couldn’t breathe anymore. She shook her head wildly, to find a position in which she could let fresh air to flow in her lungs. It did not matter how she turned her head there was not enough oxygen to help her.

Finally, his hand removed from her chest. That should have been enough to get her to think straight again, but it didn’t. She tried to scream, but the gag prevented any sound from breaking through the silence in her head. All instincts in her body had been activated. She fought as hard as she could against the restraints in the hope to break free. A needle stung in her arm and for a second, she felt the warm medicine enter her body. That second she realized she would never be able to free herself. She would die on this strange planet. She was choking, her chest freezing and her hands seemed to be on fire. The man placed both his hands on her head to control her, but this time she fought harder when he increased the pressure on her face. She kept struggling, even while the man hushed her to be silent.

“Calm down or you’ll get us both killed,” echoed through her mind. There was something familiar about it, but her head wasn’t clear enough to remember what it was. She was loosing strength and couldn’t keep fighting. It wasn’t long before her body became limp. Slowly she was able to control her breathing and started to feel better. The distress levels in her body returned to normal. Her mind started to process information again. She heard the birds in the distance and felt the man’s hands covering her mouth and nose. The bowl he had created had stopped her from hyperventilating. She was feeling odd and disoriented when he removed his hands. The past minutes were a complete blur and none of it fit into context. She blinked her eyes and remembered she had received another injection from the man. She would not be able to stay awake much longer. In the distance, she heard the birds continue singing untroubled by what was happening with her. She felt comfort in the sound. She let herself drift away and even the screeching sound nearby didn’t effected her.

***** Chapter 4 *****

Elizabeth woke up lying on her back. Her hands were tight to her side instead of behind her back. A small relief was that the burning pain in her hands had replaced itself with a faint itch. She also noticed her clothing wasn’t wet anymore. Even more comforting was the fact that she felt tight bandages around her chest and a piece of clothing to cover the rest of her upper body. Although she was disturbed by the fact that her bra was missing. What she remembered hadn’t been a dream and fear returned to her mind. Yet, there was something different. Her ears opened themselves for any sound while she lay motionless. She couldn’t hear any birds, but she heard soft crackling and a warm glow reached her body. Slowly she turned her head in the direction where the sound and heat came from. It was as if she was lying next to a fire, but everything was still hidden in a fuzzy darkness. Salty tears trickled down her cheeks when she realized she couldn’t see.

This could not be real. It was unfair for this to happen to her. All the time she thought it had been a very dark night, but it could have easily been day. Why had her life turned into a mess within a split second? She softly whimpered and sniffed. It didn’t matter anymore if she would life or not. Her job and career were over. She couldn’t possibly be the leader of Atlantis while blind. What was she supposed to do? She was a diplomat and part of that was reading the faces of the ones sitting across the discussion table. She would not be able to do that. More tears were formed and they kept rolling down over her cheeks.

She faintly heard footsteps closing in on her position. Under normal circumstances she would pretended to be asleep, but she didn’t care anymore. Her breathing became irregular from crying, but she did not fight against the tears. She was done fighting. There was nothing left to fight for. The footsteps stopped when they had reached her body. Her instinct made her look up. She was unable to see who was standing nearby, reminding her once more that she was blind. Every part of her body started to shiver. She was in pain, she was tired and she was defeated.

The man tilted her face towards him and moved the sleeve of her shirt up. She felt another needle puncture the skin of her arm. More medicines to control her and turn her into a puppet. She was past being scared or frightened and felt completely empty. Nothing made sense. Everything was so wrong and so out of place. Why did she have to lose the ability to see? From all senses, being blind had always been her worst fear and now this childhood nightmare was evolving for real in the big bad world.

In silent protest, she turned her head away from the man, which was followed by a desperate sigh coming from him. Deep breaths of desperation and the sound of the man kneeling down beside her got her attention. She, however, couldn’t help herself from pulling away when he tried to turn her head towards him again. His fingers tightened around her chin while he turned her face using more force. Meanwhile his other hand was around her neck, his fingers pressed deep in her skin. It wasn’t long before he released his grip on her neck and startled her when she felt him wipe tears from her cheek.

“Come on, don’t do this,” the man softly whispered. “Please, stop crying.” Before she pieced the words into sentences in her mind, he continued softly whispering near her ear. “Elizabeth, please.” With his hand, he gently stroked over her forehead when her mind finally started processing the input it had received.

She recognized the voice and turned her head towards it. Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. A sudden tranquil feeling overwhelmed her and this time it wasn’t caused by the medicines. Emotions controlled her body. She cried from happiness, sadness, pain, fatigue and disbelief. So long, she had been terrified, but now she felt safe.

“If you promise you won’t start screaming I will remove the gag,” John yielded. “Promise me,” he whispered with a serious tone in his voice.

Tears stopped forming and she nodded in agreement. John removed the knot from the piece of cloth and took the gag from her mouth. It felt so much better without the restraint and yet there was this barrier created around her. She was afraid to make a noise and risk being gagged again. However, there were so many questions that she wanted to ask. She bit her lip and knew she should trust and not talk. There had to be a good reason for the requirement of absolute silence. She couldn’t see the dangers around her, while he could and was protecting her from them.

“You’re okay?” John asked.

In response, she nodded positively, while she knew it was far from the truth.

“Elizabeth?”

She moved her head but did not open her mouth. His hand got hold on her face again. The touch had startled her, even while it was less freighting then before it had taken her by surprise.

“What’s wrong. Tell me.”

A weak smile made it to her lips and relief flowed through her body. However, she was still fighting against the tears. With a trembling voice, she whispered. “John.” It was all she could say at that moment without falling apart.

“I’m sorry I had to gag you, but with that thing flying around I couldn’t risk you making any sound. I didn’t know how much pain you were in.”

She simply nodded and continued to fight off the tears. “I think I’m blind,” she sobbed and swallowed against the up welling tears.

“What?” John said and silenced himself again. “What?” he whispered repeating the question.

It had been painful to say it once and she didn’t want to talk about it, but she had no choice. “I can’t see. I thought it was night, but that’s not true is it? I can feel and hear the fire nearby, but everything is still dark.” She reached out with her hands, which got intercepted by John’s.

“Don’t you dare get burns too,” he hissed.

“I’m sorry,” she replied and crumpled her body a bit. Weakness ruled her and she felt like a burden. Without her, he probably would have been able to get back to Atlantis, but she had kept him from doing that. There was a slight chance her conclusion wasn’t exactly as bad as she made it, but the fact remained that she would delay their return to Atlantis.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry, I should have realized. I… You… I kind of drugged you because I thought you were in shock from extreme pain or something, but I guess…”

“I panicked. I didn’t know it was you,” she confessed and actually felt free to speak. “What happened?”

“You don’t know?” John sighed before he continued. “It’s a very long story, but I can tell you the short version.”

Her lips turned in a larger smile. This was the Colonel John Sheppard she knew. Even without her sight, she felt safe being near him.

“Hmm… How much do you remember? What’s the last thing?”

She concentrated and tried to recall the visions she had before. “The last thing I truly remember is standing in line for diner behind you.”

“Okay, In that case you need the extended version I guess. But first, you should try and drink something.”

With his hand, he lifted her head. A bottle of water gently touched her lips. She folded both her hands around the bottle, his hand still trapped underneath. Small sips of water passed her lips, wetting her mouth and gliding down to her stomach. It felt good to be with someone she trusted and for the first time in many hours, she was able to calm down. “I’m tired,” she whispered and closed her eyes. Her head was carefully positioned on the ground.

“Try to sleep some. It will still be a couple of hours before sunrise.”

“Thank you,” she whispered and cleared her head. She tried to find peace in the silence and darkness around her and it wasn’t long before she was asleep.

***** Chapter 5 *****

Elizabeth woke up when someone gently tugged at her shoulder. Out of habit, she opened her eyes, but only saw the blackness that had occupied her mind. This time however, she was not afraid. She knew John was there with her and would keep her safe.

“We should go, can you get up?” John whispered.

Her legs felt heavy and ached, but she could move them. She rolled on her side with the help of John’s arms guiding her. With her hands still tied up it would almost be impossible to get on her feet by herself. The moment she thought about her hands, she instantly regretted it. The itch she had felt earlier had intensified. It felt like thousands of ants crawling on her hands and even her face was itching too. It was an unbearable feeling that could not be ignored. She struggled to rub her hands in the cloth, but they had been tied up tightly. She couldn’t move her hands for a bit. She quickly figured out that John must have tied her up because he somehow knew this was going to happen. She wanted to scratch so badly, but was glad she couldn’t. She would have surely scratched the skin off her hands and face. The burning pain was just simply painful, but this itching was absolutely annoying. While she was thinking about a way to relieve the irritating feeling, she had been pulled up and was standing on her feet. Two strong hands held her in place until she no longer wobbled and could stand from her own strength.

She took a few unsteady steps and felt his hands near her shoulders. It took her a short moment to catch her breath. The pain in her chest was somewhat taken away by the bandages. They supported her ribs and made breathing easier. The headache and dizziness had not dissolved during her sleep and all other aches made her aware of just how badly her injuries were. She couldn’t see his face, but she was sure it was covered with concerns for her.

“I’ll have to gag you again before we can go.” John whispered, startling her once more.

“Why?” She sighed desperate and hoped she didn’t had to be restraint in that way any more. Didn’t he understand that it was most unpleasant to have a piece of cloth in your mouth? On top of that, the whole idea of being restraint and someone preventing you from making any sound wasn’t appealing.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t risk that we make any sound. Not with that thing flying around.”

“What thing?” It had been the second time she had heard him speak about a flying thing.

“The dragon.”

She had a hard time not to laugh. “Dragon…” she chuckled silently.

“Yes a dragon and it has very sensitive ears. Any sound and it will come after us.”

The tone in his voice was annoyed and serious at the same time. He was not joking. She understood the seriousness and complexity of their situation and nodded humbly.

John continued. “Okay, I admit, I haven’t actually seen it spit fire or so, but it sure as hell looked like a dragon. Nasty big red flying monster with large wings, sharp claws and equally sharp teeth from what I could see.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered and her hopeful mood sunk a few levels. Tears started to form and she wished she was back on Atlantis.

“No I’m sorry for my outburst. But it has taken me some pretty sagacious stunt work to get to you after you tumbled down the mountain. I was halfway down when this thing suddenly showed up and almost had me.”

The fact that she had fallen down the mountain was new to her. It however did explain the cut on her forehead, the concussion, the bruised and broken ribs and all other pains she had in her body. She still hadn’t heard the short, long or extended version about what had happened to her, but she surely wasn’t going to ask for it now. All that mattered was for them to get to the Stargate as quickly as possible. “Gag me and let’s go,” she whispered.

“We’re safe in this cave, so if you need more time...”

She shook her head. “No, let’s go home.”

“Sure. For your confidence I will gag myself too, just to be on the safe side.”

Before she could respond to this remark, she felt a piece of cloth touch her lips. She opened her mouth voluntary and without any protest. The gag was secured with another piece of cloth tied behind her head as he had done before. For over a minute, she stood waiting in silence. She had hoped John would say something, but the absolute silence had returned to the cave. Without a warning, she felt his hand on her cheek and not long after she felt his face rubbed against hers. Besides the stubbles from his growing beard, she could clearly feel a piece of cloth. He had told her the truth when he said he was going to wear a gag too. This dragon must be impressive to scare him off like that.

His hands were on her shoulder. This way he led her to the exit of the cave. Walking was very strange. She couldn’t see where she was placing her feet and she was unbalanced because her hands were tied up. Occasionally he kicked softly against her feet, indicating she couldn’t place her foot where she had planned to put it down. The first yards were slow, but by the time they reached the exit of the cave, they had a feel for each other’s movements and their speed had increased remarkably.

She knew they had reached the exit of the cave a while ago when she heard birds singing again. The sound was very welcome and gave her enough courage and incentive to keep on moving. The moment she stepped out of the cave, she felt the sunrays reaching her skin. It wasn’t raining anymore and she knew for sure it was day time. What usually made her happy now made her sad. She knew the sun was illuminating all things around her, casting playful shadows on the ground. But none of those things made it from her eyes to her brain. Everything remained hidden in a deep dark void.

With small steps, she let John guide her. Each step stirred the grasses and other small plants. Crickets temporarily stopped chirring, only to continue again when they had passed them and were a safe distance away. She, on the other hand, had no sense for time or distance. They had been on the move for quite sometime now, but it was unclear if they had been moving in a straight line or taken a detour, making it impossible for her to guess how far they had travelled.

She hadn’t had any medicines in a while, which cleared her head. It was easier to think straight and feel emotions again. There was only one unfortunate side effect. The pain levels in her body were slowly rising and it began to affect her. She hoped they would reach the Stargate before she couldn’t go any further.

Thinking about the Stargate she wondered how far they still had to walk before they would reach it. She hadn’t asked John before he gagged her. Thinking about this, she hadn’t asked anything and still did not know how she ended up or why she had ended up where she was when he had found her. There were so many questions popping up in her head that it was almost exploding from the pain. She focused on the birds and their songs again to stop worrying. Everything would turn out fine and they would reach the Stargate safely, sometime.

She took a deep breath and listened to the sounds again. She tried counting the different songs she heard and thus counted the species. The planet seemed very peaceful and if it wasn’t for John telling her about the dragon she would not have believed this planet to be dangerous. It was true that the screeching and yelping sounds she had heard had scared her, but all other sounds were friendly and welcoming outsiders. Maybe it was the smell too that made her feel relaxed. She had not paid to much attention to the scent that entered her nose before, but she started to become more aware of it. She took a deep breath and let the air flow into her nose, extracting each aroma she could discover. Warm, fresh and sweet perfumes from the flowers filled her lungs, spreading through her whole body. Instantly she was captured by the beauty around her. She couldn’t actually see it, but the smells, sounds and the sun’s warmth brought her in a higher state of awareness.

A sudden ache in her right ankle made her almost stumble over her own feet. John caught her in time and made sure she found her balance again. She had sprained her ankle while she was busy thinking about her surroundings instead of carefully placing her feet down. She shook her head. Another contusion to add on the list of injuries for Doctor Beckett to look at. With all her injuries, she should be glad to be out of the infirmary within a week. That would probably be the shortest amount of time. She was still standing on one foot when she felt a hand near her ear.

“Can you walk?” John whispered silently in her ear.

She tried to put her foot down and shift her weight on it, but the pain intensified when her foot flattened and stretched the ligaments in her ankle. If she could only tell John to leave her, go back to Atlantis himself and get help. He surely wouldn’t do it, but she had to try. They had been moving very slowly and with her ankle hurting, she would not be able to walk herself. Before she shook her head to answer his question, she felt him lift her body. Instantly she knew this was not a good idea, but she could not speak. Struggling to make clear to him she wanted to talk was not an option either. It got more frustrating not to see or speak each minute. She had no other choice then to submit herself to his stubbornness and hope the Stargate was not far. The rocking motion of being carried in John’s arms made her close her eyes. She would use the opportunity to sleep some and save her strength to argue with Doctor Beckett about how soon she could get to her own room again.

***** Chapter 6 *****

Elizabeth woke up when John gently placed her on the ground. Her whole body was aching, itching and burning from fever. Each breath cost a lot of energy and she felt far worse than before she fell asleep. Her back leaned against a rock with the sharp edges sticking in to her skin. The grass they had walked through was replaced by hot sand. Limpness owned her body and it took her a lot of effort to keep herself in a sitting position. All she wanted to do was lay down and fall asleep. She realized that this was not a wise thing to do and she had to stay awake. Doctor Beckett would be angry because of her injuries, but she wanted to hear him silently sigh about her condition. No matter how bad she was feeling she had to focus and stay alert.

The sun burned high on her skin, making her think it had to be around midday. She heard new songs from the birds and listened to the details in them. Some were serious, other were friendly and cheerful. Each song had one thing in common, the perfect rhythmic balance between the tones and notes. Birds always kept improving and perfecting their songs, just as she always kept perfecting her skills to be the leader of Atlantis. She had welcomed the task, but didn’t really understand what it meant until she had set foot in Atlantis for the first time. The first days were extremely hard and many difficult decisions had been made. Over the years, things had become somewhat easier, but it remained a serious and heavy job. She was kidding herself, after today things would be rather simple for her. She would no longer be the leader of Atlantis and wouldn’t have the responsibility that accompanied the task of being in charge twenty-four-seven.

She was pulled from her self-pity when John’s hand came to her ear again. “Hang in there. No dragon in sight, I will go and dial for home”.

She nodded and knew she would be safe soon. She just had to hold on a little longer, just as he had said to her. The almost soundless footsteps moving away from her indicated that he was walking to the DHD. She thought she still heard footsteps when the Stargate activated. The swoosh from the event horizon stabilizing sounded in her ears, but she was sure John had not dialled the address yet. A spark of hope that Atlantis was contacting them washed away when she heard someone run away, right after the Stargate had disengaged.

Something was happening and she had no idea what it was or what she was supposed to do. Should she stay here, sitting against the rock, lay down or hide. She had no idea and instantly serotonin shot back in her body. Until now, she had felt safe, but now fear ruled her again. Had the sound of the Stargate attracted the dragon or maybe there were Wraith coming through. Frightening scenarios past her mind and were processed, but she did not find any solution for her problem. She was helpless and stuck sitting were she was. In a brief moment, when she ordered her thoughts, she knew it was wise to stay put and remain as silent as possible. She pricked her ears and tried to determine what was going on.

A sudden screeching sound and the low fluttering of wings slowly flapping made her hold her breathe. John had told her the dragon had an excellent hearing, but he had not said anything about its sight. What if it could see her? She was an easy target, sitting fully exposed in sunlight against a rock.

The sounds around her started to become erratic. Someone was running towards her, birds made cries of alarm, animals were fleeing through the low grasses and bushes and something fluttered in the sky. It was hanging still not far from her, causing her to solidify. A cloud of dust blew in her face and she felt John slide towards her. It took him only a couple of seconds to cut her hands free with his knife. He was in a rush, causing her to receive some additional cuts on her wrists. She didn’t notice the extra pain, but felt droplet of blood slowly trickle down her hands.

“Stargate 12 o’clock.” John said before he moved away from her.

Did this mean she had to go for the Stargate? Did or didn’t he dialled the Stargate? She heaved her chest rapidly while breathing. There was so little information to work with and she didn’t like guessing. However, this time she had no other option. As quickly as possible, she rolled her body until she was on her hands and feet. Her head was spinning and pounding simultaneously. She imprinted herself that she had to stay focused for a few more minutes and then this nightmare would be over. Carefully she placed her hands in front of her body and leaned on her good leg before she dragged herself forward. She repeated these actions as fast as she could, moving in a straight line for the Stargate.

A shockwave made her freeze on the spot when she heard John cry painfully. She knew his pain threshold was quite high, making it clear that something serious was wrong with him. His groans had the overtone and all other sounds diminished into silence. She heard the groans from extreme pain closing in on her and for a split second, she was relieved, until she heard wings fluttering in the air. Her ears tried locating John, only to discover that he too was positioned above her. It could not be true that he was taken by the dragon, but this seemed the only conclusion. Her heart broke to hear him in such pain. She swallowed and took a deep breath, but could not think of anything she could do to help him. Her eyes started to fill with water and slowly large teardrops rolled down her face. She didn’t want to go any further, but knew she had too. She swallowed again before she continued to move towards the Stargate. The dragon had flown over her and slowly made its way in the distance. She could picture John dangling in the dragon’s claw, struggling to free himself. A deep pain tore her apart while she knew she couldn’t do anything for him.

The combination of high-pitched screeches and a thud behind her surprised her. The screeches did not stop and moved over her head towards the Stargate. The sound made every bone in her body vibrate. She moved her hands over her ears to dampen the intensity of the sound, until she was able to concentrate again. She didn’t know for sure if the thud she heard was John plunging down from the sky, but it could have been. She did not hear him anymore and this scared her. There were two options, she could go back and try to find the location where she had heard the thud or go forward to the Stargate. The last option was the most logical one, but she lingered. It would be wrong to leave John behind like this. He had taken care of her and now she felt responsible to do the same for him. However, she was aware of the disabilities she had at the moment. With pain in her heart, she decided to head for the Stargate and get help as soon as possible.

Her ears picked up the fact that the dragon had landed in front of her, only a couple of yards away. She didn’t dare to move. The screeching had turned to a more wailing tone, but this didn’t mean she wasn’t in any danger. However, it was strange to hear someone or something press an address on the DHD. After the seventh symbol, the Stargate activated and the wailing quickly moved away from her. The moment the wailing ended, the Stargate disengaged. She let out a relieved breath. The situation was far from normal, but the imminent threat had disappeared. Good news was that she now knew the exact location of the DHD and it was not far from her. Her hands dug deep in the ground and her knees lifted her body. While ignoring the pain she moved towards her goal, saving John.

It wasn’t long before she had reached the DHD. She pulled herself up and leaned on the device. Her hands scanned the symbols, but they were still numb, making it difficult to decipher the right combination she had to use. Remembering very hard how the symbols looked on the DHD and touching the symbols, she was able to dial a valid address. She was ninety-nine percent sure she had dialled Atlantis. However, she realized she had no means to know for sure, since she did not carry a radio or a GDO.

Shaking she collapsed on the ground and started crying. There was no way of contacting Atlantis and let them know they needed help. She knew that Atlantis would dial the coordinates back and try to contact them, but it would take too much time. Before they had either assembled a rescue team or prepped a MALP, valuable time would be lost. John had to have a radio. She gathered every little spark of hope and strength before she turned around and crawled in the direction from which she had come. Her hands digging deeper in the sand, pulling her body along. Each breath meant she gained a couple of inches.

Every time she had moved forward her own body length, she searched her surrounding. She spread her arms around her in the hope she would find John, but other than sand, rocks or branches she didn’t find anything. It didn’t matter that new thorns dug themselves deep in her skin. Nothing mattered if she couldn’t find him. Desperately she struggled to feel anything other then pain, but the pain gained demanding attention. Her strength evaporated and there was noting more left then a paralysed body. Tears created a small muddy pool under her head. She was weak and letting John down. Why was it that she had to turn blind? Why was it that she was on this planet? And why did John try to rescue her first, instead of contacting Atlantis and getting help? The birds let her down as well when their songs faded and only the sound of her soft sobbing kept her company. In a last attempt, she tried to raise her body and move forward, but no muscle in her body responded. She closed her eyes and cried until there were no more tears to spare and the darkness swallowed her back into a deep sleep.

***** Chapter 7 *****

Elizabeth woke up and felt a soft mattress under her body. Patches covered her eyes making it impossible to open them. Her whole body ached and an irritating itch prickled through a large part of her. However, what frustrated her most was that she had a tube to support her breathing. This tube was silencing her once more. The feeling was far more unpleasant then the gag, but made her feel a lot safer. Close to her bed, she heard the steady tone of the heart monitor, beeping in the same rhythm of her heart rate. A bit further away people were moving and talking, but she couldn’t tell what they were saying. Carefully she tried to move her arms, only to discover that they were in restraints.

Memories of what happened to her started to fall back in place. Thoughts about how scared she had been alone in the wilderness and how terrified she had felt to be restrained. Slowly the last piece fell into place and she remembered John being taken by the dragon and the possibility that he had fallen from the sky to the ground. She felt powerless and had no idea if John had survived. A lump formed in her throat and she tried to swallow against the pain and tears. Her ears did not hear his voice, making it even harder for her to fight against her rising sadness. Out of shame, she turned her head away when tears started to soak in the bandages over her eyes.

The steady rhythm on the readout of the monitor next to her bed became irregular, attracting attention from someone in the room. A pair of sturdy footsteps closed in on her. She noticed a lively swirl in the steps. From the details of the steps, she tried to figure out who was approaching her, but before she could guess, she heard a voice.

“Doctor Weir, it’s good to see you’re awake,” Doctor Beckett’s voice sounded.

She was glad to hear someone familiar and turned her head towards him.

“You’re gonna be fine lass.”

A friendly hand gently touched her shoulder. Doctor Beckett was kind and she knew he had taken care of her. She should be happy and thankful, but she wasn’t. Her mind was filled with grief and sorrow, which needed to be expelled first before there was room for other emotions.

Without any premonition, a sudden wave of devastation rolled over her, swallowing her into the deep. Her thoughts broke into a jumble of small bits and pieces until nothing coherent was left. She started to feel an uncontrollable surge of anxiety flush away any signs of calmness. It was all her fault and there was nothing that could make her change her mind. The darkness in front of her eyes filled itself with bright white flashes and a painful screeching vibrated in her head. The echo bounced back and forth, keeping the sound alive indefinitely. Memories of many thorns wiggling themselves deep in her hands didn’t leave her alone. The steady tone of the monitor had increased in volume until it turned into a fearful dark hiss. Agony dominated her state of being and she fought against the restraints. There were so many sounds and so many flashes bouncing in her head that it was impossible to bring them into order.

“It’s okay, try to stay calm, lass,” vaguely repeated itself a couple of times, but the bird twitters had become extremely loud, trying to compensate for the frightening sounds in her head. Two large and strong hands were placed on the side of her head to prevent her from breaking free. Someone was touching her. Immediately more tiny pieces of memories crossed her mind. All rational behaviour was replaced by instinct and the more she felt fingers press on her cheeks and forehead, the more she needed to be free. Her legs were free for a short moment until someone took control of them too. Within seconds her movement was even more limited and she heard clasps securing the restraint bands to the bed.

The words, “Elizabeth, calm down,” found their way from her ear to her mind. While processing and deciphering what was happening to her she felt a needle pinching her leg. Ronon, it were his hands folded around her face. Slowly the screeching and other sounds dissolved in the distance and the infirmary noises were absorbed. A dull and fuzzy feeling exterminated her fear, clearing the way for tranquillity. She stopped fighting and relaxed the tension in her muscles. Instantly she felt extreme pain in every inch of her body and crumpled together as much as the restraints would allow.

“Good girl,” Ronon said calmly and released his firm grip on her head.

“I’ve giving you a sedative and I will add an extra dose of morphine to relieve the pain, lass. Try to rest some,” Doctor Beckett said, adding a comforting pat on her shoulder.

The familiar people around her made her relax. Her head sunk deep in the pillow and a small tender hand gently stroked over her forehead. She heard Teyla softly talk to her. “You’re going to be fine, Elizabeth.” Teyla’s fingers wiped the sweat for her panic attack away. It was comforting to know her friends were there for her.

Even Rodney was present. “Glad you’re alive,” he faltered and shortly tugged at her feet.

Only John was missing. There was a huge chilling void claiming his place. The uncertainty was killing her. Why didn’t they tell her what happened to him? Why were they not fair enough to tell her the truth? Why did the world turn against her? Why did she have to experience so much pain and sorrow? She silently sobbed and tried to find peace in her head. The sounds of the wilderness had helped her to find it before, but the confused noises of the infirmary activities only brought distraction and disorder.

It took a while before she was able to shut the sounds out of her mind and she was alone with her memories. For hours she lay still, reflect on every small detail she had experienced. Occasionally she heard Doctor Beckett walk towards her. His walk was very unique and easy to distinguish from others. He would briefly check the monitors next to her before he left again. On a few occasions, she had moved her head slightly and received a reassuring pat on her shoulder. He had been very calm and whispered to her to try to get some sleep.

She didn’t want to fall asleep and forget. She needed time to find a place for her experience and time to mourn. Every time she had received the sad news that they had lost another expedition member a small piece of her died too. However, somehow now it concerned John Sheppard things were different. Instead of a small piece, a large chunk was roughly torn from her, leaving a bleeding wound behind. Time would heal all wounds, but this large wound would take a long time to close. She was unsure if she would feel the same if it wasn’t John, but any of the other senior staff members. Officially, she was supposed to be impartial, but she could easily admit to herself that this wasn’t the case.

Sadness was quickly replaced by infiltrating frustration. No matter how she or others on Atlantis would feel about the loss of John, he would be replaced very quickly. The most logical choice would be to promote Major Lorne, but it would even be possible for Stargate Command to send a new Colonel. She didn’t know how she should deal with this change and maybe she just couldn’t.

Footsteps closing in on her made her aware that one of the monitors next to her was giving an alarm, caused by her increased heart rate. This in itself was caused by her frustration. She didn’t know what to do and thinking about it did not provide the answer as she had hoped. Maybe it would be best for her to give up her position as leader of the Atlantis expedition. However, this was completely conflicting with her desire to be here on Atlantis. She had done so much and given up so many things to get here. It would be selfish to leave, run and hide on Earth, leaving all her friends and the people she considered family behind.

“Elizabeth, I know you have been awake for a long time now, but you really need to sleep,” Doctor Beckett urged calmly.

His voice pulled her back to the real reality, where she was lying wounded in the infirmary. All this time she was thinking of worst case scenarios, just like she always had to do, trying to foresee what could possibly happen to the away teams she sent on missions to strange new planets. She should let the matter rest for a while until she was able to properly communicate and ask someone what had happened to John.

Doctor Beckett continued his short speech. “Elizabeth, I know you’ve been fighting against the sedatives to stay awake, but trust me, you are safe here. You’re gonna be fine.”

She felt increased pressure on her arm, were the IV was and knew she was receiving more medicines. Before Doctor Beckett explained she knew it was sleep inducing. Fatigue fell as a blanket over her body, covering her with warmth and the knowledge that she was safe.

“Sleep well,” Doctor Beckett whispered and softly stroked his hand over her head.

***** Chapter 8 *****

Elizabeth woke up and immediately noticed someone was holding her hand. They were no longer in restraints. Even more pleasant was the fact that the tube had been removed and she could finally talk again. However, her throat was dry, causing a stinging pain when she tried a simple thing like swallowing. She slowly opened her eyes, to discover that there was light instead of the darkness that had accompanied her. It was a strange sensation and a part of her missed the darkness. However, deep inside her, she was very glad to be able to receive her senses back. Everything she saw was still a blur and things were either light or dark. It was hard to distinguish colours, if she was seeing colours at all. She turned her head to face whoever was holding her hand and saw a vague image. The misty contours of the person did not give away the identity. She saw a dark figure in contrast with the brightly illuminated background. She wondered why this person did not react to her movements and decided that either this person was reading a book or had fallen asleep.

She gently closed her hand, slightly squeezing the hand holding hers. Her fingertips quickly scanned the surface and she was a hundred percent sure the person sitting next to her was a man. There was a certain roughness of the skin. In addition, her slender hand fitted easily in his strong palm. Movement of the dark figure and a soft groan made a smile appear on her dry lips. She still didn’t dare to speak and waited patiently for the stranger to identify himself. Both Doctor Beckett and Ronon had been so kind to her, she would certainly thank them for their support. The man didn’t move anymore and his breathing had become steady and calm again. She concluded he was asleep and told herself not to wake him.

How strange it might sound, she had gotten used to the darkness and silence around her and a small part of her mind was afraid now they would leave her. If she could get her sight back, she eventually would be able to go back to work. She knew that currently she was in no shape to do so, but it wouldn’t take forever before she was fit for duty. If someone would ask her at that moment if she would resign, she would do it without any hesitation. To no longer hold the burden of being responsible, no longer have to worrying about the expedition members, no longer fighting against enemies stronger then they were and no longer suffering the pain buried deep inside her. She didn’t know where the pain came from, but the strain on her mental well being was huge.

There was always work and whenever she would get to the end, more work was waiting for her. She knew people respected her and rewarded her occasionally, but she still felt alone, standing at the top of Atlantis, casting her evil spells and dooming rules on the people below her. There were so many tiny rules and restrictions that she had to maintain, making it truly impossible to create a congenial working environment. On the other hand, she had managed to keep Atlantis safe for several years now. She was quite resourceful and people did seem to like her. On a few occasions things had looked extremely bad for Atlantis and even for the people on Earth, but she had always been able to trust her senior staff. They had never let her down and trusted her too. It would be foolish to run like a chicken and not stand up for the task she had. If only the workload would lighten itself.

“Hey,” a dry and groggy voice said.

She tightened her grip on the hand, making sure he would not be able to leave. Was it a dream or was it really John sitting next to her. With her free hand, she reached for the shady figure. She felt his cheeks, lips, nose and his spiky hair. She let out a relieved sign and added a bright smile to her lips.

“You had a rough night.” John said and she could see the fat blurry figure move.

It was so unreal to see the lines and curves forming something that had to be John. It was in absolutely no comparison with his posture. She tried wetting her mouth and lips, because she wanted to speak very badly. John had seen the silent request and put a straw in her mouth. With some effort, she was able to take a few sips of water. Suddenly everything felt good. All nasty restraints were gone and John was alive. She would be fine. She just needed to fight a little longer to fully recover.

“Better?” John asked and she heard him place the glass back on a table next to her.

She nodded and a faint, “yes,” followed. She still had a firm grip on his hand, but cautiously released the pressure. The image next to her did not disappear into the silent darkness. “What happened? Are you okay?” she whispered.

“I’m fine. I had to seduce the nurse from the nightshift to remove my restraint so I could sit with you. You had some pretty nasty nightmares.”

His voice gave her sign of great concern. “I don’t remember any nightmare.”

“I guess it’s for the best then. More water?”

“No, thank you. So tell me, seducing a nurse?” She heard John scuffle uncomfortable on his chair.

“Well, I was restrained and she wanted to wake the doc, but I said that I would only sit with you for a while. Nothing special.”

He had said nothing special, but she felt special. Knowing that he had sat at her bedside for a large part of the night, just holding her hand.

“How bad are your injuries?”

“A dozen stitches in my leg, where that dragon thing caught me. I used my knife to cut myself free form its claws. Surprisingly I had a soft landing. Only one catch… I ended up in the bushes, the one with those thorns. The doc spent over an hour pulling thorns out of every part of me.

“Every part?” she asked with a grin, thinking about things she shouldn’t be. She felt heat rush to her cheeks and knew a blush was forming. It felt so natural to make jokes, even though she still hadn’t recovered from her injuries. The atmosphere on Atlantis had always been informal, even when it was supposed to be formal. Of course, there had been clashes between her and the senior staff members, but in the end it always worked out. These friendships she surely didn’t want to loose.

“Almost every part,” John defended, emphasizing the word ‘almost’.

She could picture the look on his face. A deep frown on his forehead, a dark gloat in his eyes and his head slightly tilted. To avoid any awkward moment, she did not respond. She turned her head towards the ceiling, closed her eyes and opened them only seconds later. A friendly smile made it to her lips, she was happy. Her team was complete again. “I’m glad to hear you’re okay,” she said and signed satisfied.

“So am I.”

She wasn’t sure if this was the right moment to start the talk about how she felt about what had happened to her. She mostly feared bursting out in tears. She didn’t want to feel miserable, but enjoy the fact that she was happy and relaxed. When she turned her head, the dark shimmer only slightly moved. Not a word was spoken. An awkward silence started to fill the room. Only faint rumours on the other side of the infirmary made her aware she hadn’t turned deaf. She cleared her throat, “John, why…”

“I will let you get some rest,” John interrupted her.

Astonishment claimed her. She had been awake for only a short time. She didn’t need to rest more. His chair scraped on the floor when he moved it backwards. Without saying anything he stood up and his black figure dissolved in the white lights. She signed and desperately wanted to call out for attention, but that would be far out of character. No one would expect her to behave like that. She felt scared and lonely again. Why was it that she felt this way, as if she had lost the strength to fight? It couldn’t be for real that all energy inside had depleted. The wars they fought had taken its toll, but she was used to dealing with emotional heavy loaded and complex situations. This always kept her driven. It probably was all in her head. Frustration rushed through her body again. She still hadn’t had her memory back and her body was sore and ached. Maybe John was right and she should rest more. Once her body was healed, she would feel a lot better and she would show everyone that she could not be broken that easily. They could count on that.

A new shape emerged from the shimmering and closed in on her fast. She couldn’t distinguish who it was. She had trouble focussing, but after she closed her eyes, she instantly discovered Doctor Beckett approaching. His steps were harmonious and as lively as his the friendly spirit inside his mind. Instantly she forgot about her worries. He was able to make her smile and felt his gentle hand on her shoulder before he spoke.

“I heard you had some nightmares, lass,” he said, while checking the monitors again.

“I’m fine now, maybe still a bit tired,” she said and felt him take her wrist. He took her pulse, before he pressed his fingers in her neck. The feeling was familiar. A memory of John pressing his fingers in her neck surfaced, making her shiver. It wasn’t the action itself, but the fear it had caused her and it was all because she had not know who it was. She exhaled slowly and let Doctor Beckett perform his tests. She started to relax more and more as the time past by. There was nothing to be afraid of. She was safe in a warm bed on Atlantis, her home. There was nothing more that she could wish for, she had been lucky to be granted the right to guide the expedition members. To make great discoveries, help innocent people and learn more about themselves and other races. This was the best job she had ever had.

“How is your sight?” Doctor Beckett asked.

She briefly blinked her eyes and tried to focus. The image stayed as blurry and undefined as it was when she woke up. “I can see something, but everything is very vague. You’re a black shadow standing in a bright white light.”

“Don’t get any ideas, you’re not in heaven yet, but very much alive.”

A chuckle started to build. She tried very hard to restrain it, but failed. Her whole body crumpled with pain. “Ah, I though I had ended up in hell.” She heard him express a small chuckle.

“You’re a very lucky lady. Colonel Sheppard described the tumble you made down the mountain and you practically have no serious injuries, besides the concussion. Just some bruises, cuts, a few broken ribs, a sprain ankle and a minor internal bleeding, which will heal itself in a few days, if you take it easy. I don’t actually know when you will have your complete eyesight back, but Teyla says it will take a while.”

“Teyla?” She was curious as to what had happened to her and so far she only knew very small bits of the story. It was fortunate for her that Doctor Beckett was very patient and would certainly answer all her questions.

“Yes, she recognized the bite mark on your ankle. It was rather easy to provide you with the antidote. According to Teyla, this lizard-like creature bites its prey to blind it to prevent them from running away before it actually eats them.”

She knew astonishment could be read on her face.

“Don’t worry, you don’t actually belong to its diet. The lizard is only a couple of inches long. It is very much possible you’ve just scared it and triggered its defensive mechanism.”

She pushed her lips in a friendly smile. The lizard bit her, causing her to become blind after which she fell down the mountain. This indeed did explain the cause of all her troubles. Now she could try to find a place for it and continue recovering.

“What about the thorns?” she suddenly asked.

“They are truly nasty ones,” Doctor Beckett expressed with suppressed apprehension in his voice.

It was obvious that he was not fond of the bushes that carried them. “Never mind,” she said and actually wanted to forget the whole question, since it had been the cause for her being tied up by John. It would be best to forget about it and focus on getting well instead of lingering about the events from the past.

“They are quite poisonous and hard to remove. In the end, it causes the person a lot of pain and an uncontrollable urge to scratch. I consider most cactuses as nicer plants.”

“I’m sorry I should not have asked,” she said and felt responsible for his worries. He was a very good doctor and shared a deep compassion with his patients. He tried to understand them and help them as much as possible. He would do everything within his power to treat them. Patients were always his first priority, often causing him to forget about his own wellbeing. There were occasions where they both had been in conflict about these particular situations and as far as she could tell he could be even more stubborn than Ronon, Rodney and John put together. In the end, he was always able to persuade her with good reasoning and well founded arguments. She blindly trusted his judgement, even literarily this time.

“It’s okay. You’re gonna be fine. I will have you up and running before you know it.”

“Thank you for not giving up on us,” she said and closed her eyes, still keeping her lips curled in a smile.

“Of course,” he said and she felt him do something with her IV. “I will get you a new IV with antibiotics,” he continued before he dissolved in the bright light, like John had done before him.

***** Chapter 9 *****

Elizabeth woke up when she heard Teyla say her name. She quickly discovered that Teyla wasn’t actually calling her name, but talking to Doctor Heightmeyer about her.

“Elizabeth, you are awake,” Teyla said in a kind voice and she saw two dark figures closing in on her.

Doctor Heightmeyer’s voice sounded just as friendly as Teyla’s when she spoke. “It is good to see you’re doing well, Elizabeth.”

“I’m not there yet,” she answered the two women and tried to see which dark figure was Teyla and which was Doctor Heightmeyer. With some effort and straining her eyes, she could decipher the woman standing on the left side was taller and had blonde hair, while the woman on the right side was shorter with brown hair.

It seemed as if her eyesight was improving, giving her back a part of her confidence. She had never realised how much she depended on her vision, making her obviously aware that she currently was missing an important part of her senses. Not seeing things happening for real was changing her perspective of the world. However, in the short time she was truly blind she did come to learn, respect and trust more on her other senses. There was so much more detail in what she could hear, smell and feel. Everything had brought its own special feeling to her mind, feeding her emotions with the intensity as the events had passed in time. She remembered how wonderful it was to hear the birds sing without any concerns, covered in the warm glow of the sun. She thought about the tense moments for her on the planet, but even without seeing anything, she was able to reach her goal. Her ears were able to exactly pinpoint the location of the DHD.

“I will leave the two of you alone,” Teyla said. “I will visit you later, Elizabeth.”

An automated response formed the words, “thank you.” The words left her mouth, while inside she was screaming not to be left alone with Doctor Heightmeyer. She and Doctor Heightmeyer had often spoken on a work related bases, as well as friends. However, this occasion would most likely be work related and she didn’t want to discuss the events just yet. It was too soon. Her heart rate increased, giving her anxiety away on the monitor next to her bed. She felt a comforting hand on her shoulder as Teyla walk away from her.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Doctor Heightmeyer kindly asked.

She felt Doctor Heightmeyer remove her hand. “I’m fine,” she managed to express and frantically tried to control her emotions. However, the more she tried the more irregular her breathing and heart rate became.

“You don’t need to be afraid.” Doctor Heightmeyer soothed. She felt the hand apply pressure on her shoulder again, trying to calm her. It seemed to work and for a short moment, her vital signs returned to normal. Until she lost control over her emotions again and felt tears slowly forming in the corner of her eyes.

“I don’t expect you to tell me in full detail what happened, but I just want you to know that if you ever find the need to talk, you can always come and see me.”

The tears trickled down her face to sink into the pillow. How could she ever talk about how she had been feeling? What was it that formed the threshold, locking her emotions deep inside? How could she ever face John after what she had been thinking about him? How desperately she had wanted to hurt and kill him. How she had used all her strength to fight him while he was just taking care of her. She felt so ridiculously stupid. She should have known, should have realized that there was nothing to be afraid of, but she didn’t. She had been beyond fear, where pure agony had controlled her. The panic attacks had not only led herself into more dangerous situations, but she had included John too, endangering his life as well. It was her fault that the dragon had caught him. Because of her, he had needed stitches and was placed in restraints because of the thorns. Her world collapsed in on itself, crushing her beneath the rubble. So much had happened and so little information had fallen into the right place. Her mind was one big jumble of chaotic and random events. Nothing seemed right and noting made sense.

She felt a needle stinging in her arm and saw Doctor Beckett had joined them. He carefully removed the needle and briefly nodded at Doctor Heightmeyer before he stepped a little to the back. Doctor Heightmeyer softly whispered in her ear. “It’s alright, Elizabeth. Try to let it rest for a while. Don’t try to find the answers for everything at once.”

Emotions started to fade out, slipping away from her, leaving her in an empty casket behind. The silence within her was only disrupted when Doctor Heightmeyer and Doctor Beckett discussed which sedatives she should be given, how much and how many times a day.

*****

Second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour past by while she lay motionless on the infirmary bed. She wasn’t actually aware of anything that went on in the infirmary, except for the frequent visits from Doctor Beckett, checking her vital signs. Day after day, past by and slowly she gained strength and her injuries were healing. Emotionally she found it easier to give the events a place in her mind.

Teyla had visited her every day, as had Ronon, Rodney, Doctor Heightmeyer and even John. The first conversations were about her well-being, but after a few days work related issues were discussed too. She was happy with the distractions and the fact that she was able to do some work from her infirmary bed. Doctor Beckett however strictly managed how much she was allowed to do. She couldn’t believe she had seriously thought about giving up her job. She truly loved it and was devoted to all the people on Atlantis. She became stronger, not only physical, but also mentally. Soon she would be able to return to work, sitting comfortable in her office with a warm cup of coffee. She deeply longed for that moment.

*****

Doctor Beckett had told her early in the morning that she had recovered enough to leave the infirmary. Most cuts and bruises had healed, but he had said it would still take a few weeks before she would be back to her old self. He had also explained that it was very likely she would never be able to recall everything that had happened. There was a gap in her memory. It had kept nagging her for days, until she had decided to drop the search and continue to focus on the future.

She had received a warning from Doctor Beckett to take it easy for a while and to work only for a few hours a day, with enough breaks. She still had trouble reading and writing reports, but she would be able to do the mission briefings and debriefings, along with other not to stressful tasks. After giving her the good news, he had run some last tests and given her a box of pills she still needed to take. Without any protest, she had accepted it, because if she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have been able to leave the infirmary. Enough rest, sleeping pills and some sessions with Doctor Heightmeyer were the three conditions she had to agree to.

She still had trouble accepting the fact that she had to talk to Heightmeyer. In the few talks in the infirmary, they had briefly discussed some aspects of the events, but they had all been based on Colonel Sheppard’s report, from which she knew was incomplete. Doctor Heightmeyer had not directly asked her about her feelings and she in return had managed to twist around her true emotions, using evasive return questions and answers whenever the subject started to get too personal. At the end, she had received a compliment for her tactical and diplomatic skills, along with a kind and friendly smile.

If she was honest to herself, she had to admit that her feelings were still troubling her, but not as much as before. It seemed like the friendship between her and John had not changed, making her realise more and more that there was no problem at all and that she had to deal with her feelings alone. Maybe it was the concussion that had made her more sensitive and let her overreact to the facts.

A peaceful smile made it to her lips and she saw John walking towards her. “You’re early,” she said.

A thoughtful glimmer emerged on his face. “Last chance to see you in bed.” Instantly a huge smirk pulled his lips into a wide smile.

She frowned and tried to think of an evil remark to shoot back, but none came to mind. She took a deep breath and signed softly. John was right, the first thing she would do when she got to her room was taking a long bath. No longer short showers or nurses washing her in bed. Finally, she would be able to enjoy a decent bath with a thick layer of foam. She still had some bath oil, which she had received as a gift from Teyla after the Athosians had set foot on Atlantis for the first time. She would surely add some of it too. The aroma always gave her a warm and pleasant feeling. Then after the bath, she would take a long walk along the pier and, of course, check up on her office.

John handed her a small box, wrapped in gift paper. “In case you ever feel the urge to go and explore ancient wildlife again.”

Confusion struck her. She realized that in all the days she spent in the infirmary she hadn’t asked him directly about how or why they had ended up on the planet. He had promised to tell her, but she guessed he hadn’t found the right moment for it or didn’t understand how important it was to her. A deep frown appeared on her face. “So when will you tell me what I don’t know?”

“Aren’t you going to unwrap it?” John asked and nodded towards the gift in her hands.

She recognized the evasiveness in John’s behaviour. She was frustrated about it, but figured it would be best to talk later, when they weren’t in the infirmary anymore. Maybe the answer to her question was too awkward, making him feel uncomfortable telling her about it while others could hear them. She created an insistent smile on her face while she said. “You are going to tell me, right?”

John simply nodded, but his eyes gave away the fact that he was hiding something painful, of which he would rather not speak. She silently turned her attention to the present and started opening it. Carefully she fiddled with the tape to keep the damage to the wrapping paper as minimal as possible. She could see it was a DVD cover, increasing her curiosity to the content of it. After another piece of tape had been removed, she could easily remove the DVD from the gift-wrapping. She turned the DVD around to read the title and immediately felt surprise hitting her with great force. “Jurassic park?” she exclaimed and two wondering eyes stared towards John.

“Not a real dragon story, but close enough.”

John added a teasing smile and it didn’t take long before one made it to her face too. Her eyes briefly checked the DVD cover, but soon faced him again. This action was way below the belt. John knew she didn’t recall much and had to be aware of her frustration about it. She really wondered what it was that kept him from filling her in with the missing details. If she would ask about it again, she surely would scare him off, leaving her no other option then to wait patiently for the right moment. On the other hand, it was very much like him to behave like this, giving her a push in the right direction and sending her straight back into the reality of the day. Somehow, it had been her decision to go to that planet and thus her fault that they both ended up with injuries. Giving her this DVD was his way of settling the score. John’s face was reassuring her. He would hold no grudge about what she had caused. His smile had widened and she could only shake her head a little. “I’m still not sure if I should say thank you or sorry,” she said.

Before John could form an appropriate response, his radio activated and someone sent him a message. His hand moved to his earpiece and he activated it. “Understood, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

She desperately wanted to know what was going on and this time her expectations were quickly fulfilled when John explained.

“I have to go. Teyla and Ronon have successfully discussed trade relations with the Kantorians. I don’t know the details, but I’ll fill you in later today.”

John turned around and started walking towards the door. “Good luck,” she said. In return, she received just a brief nod, before he vanished into the hallway.

If this message had come only a few hours later, she would have been answering to it. She signed deeply and longed even more for the moment when she would actually sit in her own chair, behind her own desk, in her own office, doing her own job, having access to her own laptop and holding her own cup of hot coffee.

It was a relief to see Doctor Beckett approach her when she looked at him. In anticipation of good news, she removed her feet from under the blanket and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m ready,” she declared.

“Can I help you with anything?” Doctor Beckett asked.

He had advanced and was now standing next to the bed. “No thank you, I’m fine. I think I still remember the way to my room,” she joked. Meanwhile, she had gotten off the bed with his help and felt her body protest against her hastiness. A painful groan left her mouth before she realized. She quickly recovered and forced the painful glance off her face with a smile.

“Take it easy, lass. And call me if there’s anything you need. Promise me,” Doctor Beckett urged.

There was no way she would let him withdraw the statement in which he had said she was well enough to recover in her own room. However, she felt a little concerned about how he would respond to her reaction to the pain. She was glad he placed his hand on her shoulder and gently directed her towards the door. Swiftly the concerns moved away from her, like she moved away from the bed. She was heading in a straight line for the infirmary door, were her newly achieved freedom begun.

*****

For the first night in weeks, she lay in her own bed, thinking over all that had occurred that day. It had been hours since she had left the infirmary and she felt at ease being in her room. After a long bath, she had spent at least two hours on the balcony of her room, watching the subtle waves crash against the piers. For minutes at a time, she had closed her eyes and merely focused on the sounds around her. She heard the wind slowly passing around the high towers of the city and the ocean waves calmly washing ashore. The sun warmed her face whenever it returned from hiding behind the large white clouds. She felt magnificently rich. Her life filled with marvels of which many people didn’t even dare to dream. It was a true privilege to be on Atlantis, the city of the Ancients.

The most intense moment that day was the sunset, seeing the sun slowly sink in the ocean was so beautiful that it had made her cry. The tremendous variety of colours that turned the sun from bright yellow to a deep red shade had stunned her. At that moment, she appreciated even more how lucky she was that all her injuries were gone and her sight had returned. With a satisfied and contented smile on her face, she let herself drift away to the land of dreams.

***** Chapter 10 *****

Elizabeth woke up covered in sweat. The room was dark and she couldn’t see. She sat up straight in bed while memories seeped into her consciousness, causing panic to arise quickly. Terrified of the complete silence around her she tried to control her emotions. Her head scanned around her for any light, but there was none. Trembling hands tried to reach the light switch on the table next to her bed, but she couldn’t find it. Her arms started to wave wildly around. She had no control over her muscles and frantically she took hold of the power cord attached to the light. A sudden crash increased her agony even more. She stood up and tried to flee, but didn’t know which way to go. The power cord was still in her hand, the lamp dangling at the end. A sense of pain passing through the nerves in her body reached her mind and pulled her out of the panic attack. Her hand moved along the power cord until she found the switch. She squeezed her eyes shut after she had turned the switch and the room had filled with light. Slowly she opened her eyes again and was very relieved she hadn’t gone blind again.

The painful prickle persisted, forcing her to look down and discover the cause of the pain in her food very quickly. Scattered Glass lay around a large part of the bed. She became aware that she had thrown her water glass off the table during her unpleasant episode were she let fear control her once more. She released the power cord, causing the lamp to fall down on the ground. Carefully she sat back on the bed and lifted her foot to inspect it. There was only one small piece of glass sticking out of her skin. Gently she removed it and saw blood dripping from the small cut. With her finger, she stopped the bleeding by applying pressure to the wound. Her other hand scanned the rest of her foot. She repeated the action to her other foot and fortunately it seemed undamaged.

She swung her feet to the other side of the bed and she stood up. While limping a bit she headed for the bathroom. There she opened a drawer and took the small first aid kit from it. She took a bandage out, sat down on the floor and started to wrap it around her foot. Meanwhile she was still recovering from freight and trying to control her breathing.

It had been the third night in a row she had woken up with the same nightmare. There was a latent memory she recalled, but couldn’t place into perspective. John had a firm grip on her arm and pulled her somewhere. She tried to break free, but his hold on her arm was strong. Each time she felt pain and repressed anger drift into her mind. There were very little details she remembered, but the look in John’s eyes was harsh and filled with fury. The first night she had pushed the memory aside, blaming it on her mind playing tricks on her about what happened on the planet, but the second night she couldn’t. There was something that made her believe that she had seen it before. She figured that the memory might explain John’s reluctance to tell her what she wanted to know.

She still struggled with the fact that a part of her memory was blank, now even more so than when she was in the infirmary. Doctor Beckett and Doctor Heightmeyer had suggested letting it rest and to not force or strain herself about it. Either she would get her memory back or she wouldn’t. Either way, it wouldn’t matter if she tried recalling her memories or not. Medically speaking there were no reasons for her to suffer from this form of amnesia, but there were a few out of the ordinary circumstances. The most important of which was the poison that had made her blind as well. The other reason was the extensive level of stress she had endured, although nobody beside her actually knew how intense it had been for her.

Motionless she sat on the bathroom floor. She had finished wrapping her foot a while ago. Her thoughts were sinking deep along a downward spiral. Confusion and many questions swirled around her, messing with her head. Slowly she started to notice the cold floor and wall, making her ever so slowly emerge from her reflections. She signed deeply and got on her feet. One foot still ached a little, but it was easier to ignore the pain than to ignore her fragile control over her emotions. Her hands leaned on the washbowl while she stared into the mirror. She looked pale, fatigued and empty.

She lifted a glass from the shelf and turned on the water. The glass quickly filled with water, until it spilled over the edge and poured along the glass, over her hands. Dazed she shut off the tap and put the glass down. She opened another drawer and gazed at it for a few seconds. In it lay the box with the sleeping pills Doctor Beckett had given her. A little hesitant she opened the box and took a tablet from it. She should have taken it before going to bed, but as stubborn as she could be, she had disobeyed the doctor’s orders. She held the small white pill between her thumb and index finger and moved her hand to her lips. Something made her linger and keep the pill from reaching her mouth. Suddenly she released the pressure and the pill fell down, ending with a tick in the washbowl. It rolled around in a few circles before it disappeared in the drain.

Blood drained from her face while tears formed in her eyes. She was frozen in place and didn’t know why she felt helplessly trapped. Trapped between her feelings, her emotions and even her common sense seemed to fail her. In a sudden outburst of uttermost frustration, she threw the box with full force against the bathroom wall. Pills were flying back and forth in the bathroom, while she collapsed to the floor. Her hands covered her face, tears running down her cheeks, down to the tip of her chin. Drip after drip lost cohesion and felt to the ground. For minutes, she cried uncontrollable, letting her emotions flow freely through her body. It took a while before the intense crying turned to whimpering and the tears finally stopped.

Slowly she crawled to the bed and pulled herself up. Minutes past while, she stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t handle her life in her current state of mind and didn’t know what to do about it. If anyone would find out, she would have to talk to Doctor Heightmeyer, but she knew she couldn’t talk to her. She felt ashamed of talking about her feeling. She didn’t want anyone to know. There was only one person that could help her, one person that had been with her and understood what she was going through. He could also provide her with the details that were missing from her mind. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat before she grabbed her radio off the table and activated it. “John, can we talk?” Her voice had sounded timid and deep inside she hoped she hadn’t woken him. She couldn’t possibly demand his attention in the middle of the night.

“Sure,” a sleepy voice answered her. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Hearing his voice and his reaction provided her with certain calmness. She concentrated on regulating her breathing and closed her eyes.

***** Chapter 11 *****

Elizabeth woke up when she heard the chime of her door. In the short moment, she had not only lost any sense of time, but had also dozed off.

She jumped out of bed and immediately regretted her rash action. A surge of pain rushed through her foot and to her head, affecting every inch of her body in between. With a few limping steps she hopped to the door and before she opened it she created a weak smile on her face.

The door slid open with a soft swoosh and she stood face to face with John, wearing his full uniform. The drowsy expression on his face changed to a slightly surprised one. His eyes turned evasively away from her and she uncomfortably realized she wasn’t wearing a normal pyjama, but only her underwear and a short top. “Oh, I’m… come in, I will get my robe,” she said and turned her head quickly to look around to find her robe. It was hanging on the chair behind her desk and she walked towards it.

“Hurricane Elizabeth blew through the room,” John remarked.

Instantly she turned her head and absorbed the mess in her room. Everything on the table next to her bad was lying on the floor and her clothes were spread through the whole room. “I had a nightmare and panicked. Watch out for the glass,” she said and nodded towards the bed.

“I see. Have you been to the infirmary?”

Shivers ran along her spine. She saw him nod at her foot and the bloody footsteps leading from the bed to the bathroom. The fierceness in his voice scared her. “No thanks, I’ve seen enough of that place for a while.” She feared he would force her to the infirmary, but was relieved when the intonation of his voice changed to merely concerned.

“You should let the doc take a look at it tomorrow, okay?”

She nodded. “Fine,” and put on her bathrobe.

John threw some socks to her, which he had grabbed from the floor. She caught them and sat down on the edge of the bed to put them on. Meanwhile John had found a broom and wiped all glass splinters on a pile in the corner. She felt ridiculous, she had made the mess and now he was cleaning it. She got up and headed over to him. Her hands were intercepted when they reached for the broom.

“It’s good enough for now.” John explained and put the broom away.

She signed and fought against the hurt feeling inside her. She swallowed and wanted to remain strong, but the wall that kept her emotions in bay started to crumble. He placed both his hands on her shoulders, initiating her body to jerk away from his touch. Fear erupted from her eyes while they stared at him. He calmly placed his hands back on her shoulders and made her sit on the bed.

“You wanted to talk?” he said and sat down on a chair next to the bed.

The distance between the two of them was not that small, but she felt insecure and threatened by him entering her private space. It wasn’t about the distance, but about her personal feeling and emotions she was going to show. She imprinted on herself once more that she needed to talk. She took another deep breathe and nodded slightly before words were forming and leaving her mouth. “I don’t know. Everything is still so confusing. What I really want to know is why I was on that planet.”

“You wanted to go there and I joined you.”

She bowed her head for only a few seconds before she faced him again. “I know, that’s what your report says, but I want to know what I don’t remember.” She was desperately looking for an answer that would help her understand what was wrong with her.

“Trust me, it’s better when you don’t know.” John said and the expression in his eyes was filled with concern.

She sought a way to make him understand how important it was for her, how incomplete and empty she felt. This gap in her memory sucked in a large part of her self-esteem. “Yes, I do want to know,” she pleaded.

“No, Elizabeth…” John started, but was interrupted with her loosing patience.

“John, please you don’t understand, I don’t understand. I need to know, need to know why I’m feeling this way. There is something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. You do. And you need to tell me. I need to know why you were angry with me.” Frustration mingled with despair. Tears rolled down her face. She tried to wipe them away, but new ones kept wetting her cheeks.

John got out of his chair and kneeled in front of her. Her trembling hands fitted easily in his, when he took hold of them. “Elizabeth, please, you should not…”

“I need to know!” she yelled at him and felt her body failing her. She started shaking and had trouble breathing.

“Calm down will you,” John said and applied a decent amount of pressure on her shoulders to make her listen.

He hurt her, just as he had done in the nightmare. “Please,” she begged. “I’ve been through every emotion and emotional state of being. I’ve been scared, frightened, angry, sad, hurt, humiliated and ashamed. I thought you were going to hurt me when I was tied up. I was terrified for what could do. I know… I didn’t know… I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go on like this…”

“Shh, it’s okay,” he soothed. “Try to calm down. I will get you some water.”

Between the flow of tears, she saw him enter the bathroom. She moved further back on the bed and leaned her against the wall. He was her only hope to find peace of mind, to fill the empty place, put all her thoughts an order, to recover and move on with her life.

She jumped when John rushed out of the bathroom. Panic erupted from his eyes. “Elizabeth! What did you do?” John asked and held up the empty pillbox.

She sniffed and swallowed against a huge lump in her throat. “I threw them away... I don’t want to take pills anymore. I don’t want to.”

She saw him relax and move his hand to his head. She hadn’t realized how the scene in the bathroom must have looked, but seeing John behave this shocked made her believe he had thought the worst. It even made her more aware that she did need help and trust someone with her feelings, before completely falling apart. She had stopped crying, but still felt vulnerable. The slightest word, sound or movement could upset her within a split second, making the tears return.

“No, pills are a good thing, but please don’t scare the hell out of me.”

He shook his head and sat down on the chair again, still holding the empty box in his hands. She pulled the pillow close to her stomach and curled herself around it. “I have this memory,” she explained while she avoided direct contact with John. “I don’t know when or what exactly, but you are holding my arm, pulling me somewhere. You’re angry and hurting me. I’m not sure but my feeling tells me it is part of the reason why we went to the planet.”

John signed deeply. “It’s a long story. You... ehm…”

She could see pain in his eyes, but was glad he would tell her.

“Elizabeth, I caught you while you were steeling medicines from the infirmary.”

Her eyes shot wide open from astonishment. She couldn’t believe what he had just told her. It had to be a mistake. She would never… she would never do that. It was impossible. She shook her head and searched for a confirmation.

“I’m sorry,” John said. “Doctor Beckett and I decided to keep things in the family. We kept it out of reports and you were relieved of duty for a few days to relax. We don’t blame you. You were under a lot of pressure and we believed it would be good for you to get away from Atlantis for a few days.”

John uncomfortably scuffled his feet and she knew it was painful for him to talk about this.

He swallowed before he told her the rest of the story. “I handed you a list of planets from which you could choose and the moment we actually stepped through the Gate, I discovered you had chosen another planet. One that no team had ever been to before. To avoid you locking yourself in your room I decided to stay there with you and make the best of it. It initially didn’t sound that dangerous. The ancients had written that the planet contained some interesting life forms. They just forgot to mention that there was an intelligent dragon on the loose, one that can dial the Stargate.”

Suddenly she wished she didn’t know. She had lost her dignity and hid her head deep in the pillow. An overwhelming sense of incapacity crushed down on her. She was slowly suffocating and it wasn’t from lack of oxygen, but from a deep pain that ripped straight through her heart and tore her apart.

John was leaning towards her and calling out for her attention. “Elizabeth, listen. It’s not the end of the world. No one beside you, Doctor Beckett and me knows and we’re gonna keep it that way. You have to promise me you will pull through. Promise me.”

She turned her head to face him. She had run out of tears, but felt weak and helpless. “I’m so sorry,” she said with a trembling voice. “I…”

“We’re gonna help you. It’s not your fault, you’re gonna be fine. Just give it some time.”

She moved her head away and slowly rocked herself with the pillow tightly pressed against her stomach.

She hadn’t noticed John calling the doctor, but became aware of his presence when he cleaned some skin on her arm with alcohol before injecting her with a sedative. She didn’t even try to fight against the medicine. She was loosing her balance quickly and rolling on her side before her eyes closed.

*****

Elizabeth woke up and smelled the fresh ocean air. Her nose was cold, but she was covered under a thick layer of blankets. She moved her head around and was surprised to see John sitting next to her bed. His friendly smile made her cold cheeks glow inside.

“Morning,” he said.

“Thank you for last night.”

“Sure, that’s what family is for,” he said and moved some hair strands from her face.

Even while the truth hurt her, the pain was more bearable then not knowing at all. This pain she could fight, she could deal with it and find strength to fix her mind to become strong again.

“If you feel more comfortable talking to me or Doctor Beckett that’s fine, but you have to talk. You can’t win every fight alone…”

She nodded. “I need to learn to accept help… from family.”

Her words created a smile on his face. She would accept his help and even appreciated it. “Happy and proud,” she said and meant to say she was happy and proud of everyone that had been there for her, but she couldn’t find the words. She knew she still had a long way to go, but she felt confident that she would become her old self again.

“Proud is good.”

She moved out of the bed and embraced John in a hug. “I know and I am.”