Stargate Atlantis FanFic

Titel: Outside ith the Mind’s eye
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Drama

Progress:
Chapters 1 to 4 Completed, still working on the rest

Remark:
John's POV about what happened to Elizabeth

***** Chapter 1 *****

John watched Elizabeth straight in her eyes and decided to give up. He was not going to win this discussion. There were mission he didn’t like and this one was at the top of his list. Normally meeting people of other cultures was interesting, but the Kantorians were so extremely annoying and self-centred that he had trouble controlling himself. Last time Ronon actually had to pull him from the room or he would have smacked the ambassador right in his face. After cooling down, he had continued negotiating a trade relation, but at the end, somehow he had insulted them when he forgot to clap his hands and hop three times. Elizabeth had warned him that the relationship with the Kantorians was important and now he had screwed it up. Not only had she already shouted at him, but now she was also demanding that he apologize. Performing this ridiculous ritual, bare footed dancing and hopping around to win back the grace of the ancient spirits. Just the mission he was hoping for.

“John, I’m serious!”

“I know,” he blurted out. There was not a single excuses he hadn’t tried to make Elizabeth change her mind, but none had worked. He signed deeply and forced a smile on his face. Elizabeth was furious from the latest argument and he was pleased to have the excuse to stop when his radio activated. Quickly he pointed to his ear and activated the radio.

“Colonel, if you have time I would like to have a word with you,” Doctor Beckett said in his ear.

The forced smile changed into a relieved one. “Sure, doc, I’ll be right over.” He deactivated his radio and got up from his chair. Elizabeth still had her eyes fixed on him and if looks could kill, he would be dead. “I need to go,” he informed her. “The doc has something to discus.”

Instantly her eyes flinched and she seemed momentarily distracted. “What about?” She asked after she recovered.

“Don’t know, but I’ll go and find out.” He said and pointed to the door. The expression on her face had changed. He was curious as to why that was, but than again, he wasn’t going to stick around to find out. It would be a relief to get some normal air, instead of the whirlwind Elizabeth was causing in her office.

After he had left the room, the door closed behind him and for the first time in over fifteen minutes, he could breathe normally again. He briefly glanced behind him and saw Elizabeth working on her laptop again through the glass door. He shook his head somewhat confused while he walked to the infirmary.

*****

John entered the infirmary and saw Doctor Beckett going through some files in his office. Before heading towards the doctor, he briefly scanned the room, but there were no patients from his teams, only one of the cooks, who appeared to have a minor burn on his hand. The nurse treating the cook briefly smiled at him. He nodded back and turned around, only to be startled by Doctor Beckett, who had approached him.

“Sorry, I did not mean to scare you.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” he said and saw Doctor Beckett suggest walking back to his office. “That Hippocratic Oath thing really works, you saved my life,” John mentioned while the two men entered the office and Doctor Beckett closed the door behind them.

“Really, I’m glad it does, but what did I do?”

“Elizabeth kept rambling about the Kantorians and you know…”

“Ah, about you’re breaking up the trade relation?”

“Yeah, I had to promise to try again and participate in the ritual to get back into contact with the ancient spirits.” He instantly saw Doctor Beckett grin at him.

“Not the spirit kind, you are.”

“Most defiantly not,” he declared and sat down on the chair in front of the desk, while Doctor Beckett sat down on his chair behind it. “So, you wanted to speak to me?”

“Yes it’s about something rather serious,” Doctor Beckett started.

John saw the expression on his face turn painful and shift to very concerned. He swallowed and knew from reading the doctor’s face that he had trouble with whatever was on his mind. Several scenarios passed his mind, but he couldn’t guess what the doctor wanted to discuss. The results from his latest blood test were good and he was feeling fine. It couldn’t be about him, he figured, but an uncomfortable itch slowly crawled up his spine.

“A couple of weeks ago I thought I had made a mistake counting the medicine supply,” Doctor Beckett started. “However, I now know for sure someone has been stealing sleeping pills.”

“What!” John exclaimed. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. There were strict protocols concerning sleeping pills. Besides, Doctor Beckett wasn’t eager to prescribe any drugs you didn’t need. Now someone was just stealing medicines from the infirmary. A deep frown made it to his face. He wasn’t sure how he should respond to this news. There were so many questions popping up in his head.

“Why come to me and not Elizabeth?” he asked after abstracting this to be one of the most important questions.

“Because she’s on the short list of suspects,” Doctor Beckett explained and lowered his head to a file on his desk.

Instantly his eyes grew wide from astonishment. This was not the answer he wanted to hear and he could not believe the words the doctor had just said to him. Elizabeth stealing pills seemed impossible and very wrong. It had to be a mistake. Doctor Beckett pushed the file towards him, as he asked another set of questions. “Why? How? They are kept in a locker, right?”

“Yes, all prescription medicines are in lockers which need security codes to open it. Recently we’ve changed the code for regular medical staff members. The security logs however show that the locker has been opened several times with the original code. I went over the list of everyone who knew the original code and extracted this list.”

Doctor Beckett pointed at the file in front of him. With some hesitation, he opened it and saw three names written down on a piece of paper. Besides Elizabeth’s name, Rodney’s name was written down and Doctor Heightmeyer’s. It was unbelievable to find three names of the senior staff on the paper. Somehow he whished it was a bad dream, but he knew it wasn’t. He slowly went over the list again. “You said sleeping pills, not caffeine pills, right?” He saw Doctor Beckett nod positively. “Well that excluding Rodney than. What about Doctor Heightmeyer?”

“Well she got the code just like Rodney and Elizabeth in case of emergencies. It has occurred a few times that she consulted me for prescribing medicines for some of the expedition members, but she never took any of the medicines from the locker herself. I went by her office yesterday and asked her if she had a patient who had trouble sleeping and she was quite surprised. She said she hadn’t sent anyone to come and see me for medicines. She asked if I needed some help with this patient of mine. I did not explain much further and left.”

This story wiped her of the list too, leaving only Elizabeth on it. To imagine that she would sneak into the infirmary to get her hands on some sleeping pills seemed so surreal. It had to be a mistake. “And you’re sure it isn’t anyone from your medical staff?”

“Quite sure. They have the new code and as far as I can tell they don’t know the original code is still active.”

Talking to Elizabeth about the Kantorians had already drained him, but this conversation was completely depleting him. He needed to focus and get things straight. There had to be a solution for this problem and he shook his head, still disbelieving the fact that anyone on Atlantis could be addicted to sleeping pills.

“Why not lock the code out?” He asked and knew the answer that would come to him wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.

“I don’t want to scare her off. She needs help.” Doctor Beckett said and closed the file.

A difficult, “yeah,” left his throat, making him aware of the seriousness of the situation. “I will talk to her.”

“Colonel, a direct approach might put her into denial”

He simply nodded and let everything sink in while he rose from the chair and opened the door. He had seen Doctor Beckett concerned about patients with very bad injuries, but the kind of concern he currently showed was much greater. The door closed behind him, but didn’t lock the worries inside the office. A trail of concern followed him, while he left the infirmary and walked towards one of the piers. For several minutes he stared at the waves, his arms crossed over his chest, trying to figure out what he should do.

***** Chapter 2 *****

John watched Elizabeth as she entered the mess hall. Even though she tried to go unnoticed his eyes were fix on her. Her otherwise proud presence was nothing more than a slightly crumpled posture today. Yet she didn’t seem to be depressed or extremely stressful. She had been a little bit jumpy this afternoon, but he had blamed it to his own behaviour. He still hoped the doctor was wrong about who was stealing the pills and truly couldn’t believe Elizabeth was capable of becoming depended on sleeping pills.

He followed her movements as she walked straight towards the table with drinks, were she took a bottle of water. After this, she trailed further along the tables to the salads. Surprisingly she lingered for a short moment until her automated pilot kicked in again and her hand reached for a bowl of plain side salad. She moved along in the flow and entered the queue for the main meal. They served pasta with tomato sauce and this was not only her favourite, but his too, except for the meatballs. He smiled, turned to the dish before him and scooped a few meatballs to go with his pasta, before heading to the deserts.

A few weeks ago, they had served the same meal, pasta, tomato sauce and meatballs. While eating, he had explained Teyla and Ronon about the story of Lady and the Tramp, where the two dogs start eating on the same pasta strand. In the middle of the story, Rodney tackled Elizabeth and practically forced her to join them. Startled by the question she had surprisingly agreed and sat down next to Teyla. John briefly filled her in about the story, snagging Rodney’s opportunity away to complain to her about his experiments. He had continued in fully elaborating the details of the diner in the alley behind the Italian restaurant and after he had finished it, he had dared her to demonstrate the act. Her cheeks had instantly coloured deep red and she shyly declined, returning her attention back to Rodney and ask him what is was he wanted to talk about. It ended in the fact that he and Teyla shared the last pasta strand and he and Ronon fought for the last meatball.

Maybe he should ask her to come and sit with him for dinner today. There was just a very slim chance she would actually agree, but he could try. Ever since she had entered the mess hall, he had wondered if he should try and talk to her. The fact that she wasn’t working and they were serving pasta handed him the ideal excuse and opportunity to start some random small talk. If he could get her to talk, he could place some careful remarks and questions to try to figure out what was wrong with her, if there was anything wrong at all. However, if there was one thing he wanted to avoid was a new discussion about the Kantiorians. He knew he had to be careful and not corner her. His, as she put it, ‘childish behaviour’, was a perfect change of subject. If he wanted to be successful in fishing, he had to find the right bait and carefully drop it in the pond.

He craned his head around a few expedition members to check where Elizabeth was standing. It was curious to see how far she seemed to sink into her own thoughts. She had passed the pasta without taking any and was now standing in front of the cooking pot with tomato sauce. Her hands pressed the food tray stiff against her stomach and her head was slightly bowed down. An uncomfortable feeling crawled up his spine. She was showing some out of the ordinary behaviour today. He feared Doctor Beckett could be right and cursed himself for not paying enough attention to her. Why didn’t he notice strange behaviour before? Or was she hiding it all very well. If someone had to notice, it should have been him. He ran over the last few mission briefings and other meetings he had with her and tried to recall any out of the ordinary events, but couldn’t find any. He hoped he was looking for something that wasn’t there, but suddenly realized that this might have been happening longer then the doctor initially thought.

Over the last few months, she had become more on edge and occasionally had an unexpected outburst if something went wrong. In those cases, it didn't matter if the cause was a science project or something that happened on a mission. She had clearly pointed out to those responsible that they were reckless, careless and sloppy. The changes in her behaviour had been gradual and therefore everyone could have missed it easily. He shook his head. Maybe he was imagining this whole thing. He should just talk to Elizabeth about it to find out if anything was bothering her.

He let a small group of people pass him in line and was now standing at the end of the queue. Elizabeth lifted her head and entered the line for deserts too. He saw a still somewhat dazed smile appear on her lips.

"Milady," he said and waved his arm to indicate his was offering her his place in line.

"I'm fine," she declined and broadened her smile.

He smiled in returned and briefly lowered his view to her food tray. "Only a salad?"

She raised her nose. "I didn't feel like having pasta."

"But you like pasta," he said. "You know, you should have a proper dinner to remain healthy." He returned his attention to her face and searched for some reaction. She seemed occupied with something on her mind and it was even more obvious that she actually didn't want to discuss her eating habits with him.

Elizabeth tilted her head slightly. "Salads are very healthy,” she pointed out. “It’s just that I'm not that hungry today, okay?"

"Okay. If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm all ears." The words left his mouth before he had the chance to think about the fact that it was clever to push the conversation so far to the edge.

Luckily, for him he saw her keep the smile on her face and almost unnoticeable shook her head. "John, I'm fine, really. I've just had a busy day."

"Okay, I'm sorry. Change of subject?" Quickly he processed all kind of things they could talk about. He wanted to steer the conversation towards her sleeping habits, but got stranded with her time off the coming weekend. He was sure it was safe to ask her about it and the subject was close enough to get the answers he did or didn't want to hear. "Any exciting plans for this weekend?" To put more strength and excitement to his question he narrowed his eyes and curled his lips in a challenging smile.

Elizabeth sighed in contempt. "I'm going to take a very long and hot bath and there are books I still want to read."

"Sounds boring."

"Nope, it's very relaxing."

"But you need to do something fun," he teased and tried to enlighten the tense atmosphere that quickly started to arise.

She looked curiously at him as if she was astonished by his lack of seriousness. "Reading a book is fun."

"Are you serious..." he stared his response, but got interrupted by Elizabeth.

"I think we have a difference of opinion, then." she said and stepped closer to him, indicating that he had to step forward to close the gap between him and the person in front of him.

John stepped forward and was now standing in front of the deserts. However, instead of choosing one, he kept his eyes fixed on Elizabeth. It had been so wrong to think ill of her, that it was actually a true relief to talk to her. She didn’t seem more stressed than normal, making him feel comfortable. The fact that she had planned something relaxing instead of work for the weekend was a good sign as well. He would be even happier if he could get her away from her desk for more than just one single day.

"You're not going to pick desert?" she asked.

She startled him, since he was occupied with pondering what might be on her mind. He blinked his eyes. "No, I like to keep up my healthy reputation," he joked and received another disapproving glare back. In addition, she tried to hide a laugh. "You?" he asked, referring to the deserts.

Elizabeth shook her head. "No thanks, the salad will be enough for me tonight."

They both stepped out of line while he searched for a place to sit down. "Will you join me for dinner?" he asked and nodded to a table in the corner.

"Sorry, I need to get back to my office and finish the last reports. I want to try to get to bed early today."

All muscles in his body suddenly cramped and nerves crawled through every inch of his skin. He quickly recovered and imprinted that he still didn't know for sure when ether Doctor Beckett was right or not. "Yeah, you shouldn’t make it too late," he said with an unsettling feeling starting to overwhelmed him.

"I'll do my best," she said before she turned around and headed for the door.

John remained behind. He sat down at the table and placed his elbows on it. His head sunk between his hands. Suddenly he wasn't so hungry anymore. He considered his options. All the questions he had remained unanswered, but at least he had broken the ice and opened a conversation. However, the nagging feeling inside his stomach was still there. He was seriously worried about Elizabeth and wondered what he should do if the doctor was right.

***** Chapter 3 *****

John watched Elizabeth through the glass door of her office. He had been watching her for several minutes now, and she seemed completely unaware of anything happening elsewhere in Atlantis. Her eyes were directed at her laptop, her pupils slightly moving from left to right and back again. Occasionally she pressed on one of the scroll buttons to move down the document. He sighed deeply as he still didn’t know what to do. The salad she had taken from the mess hall was still standing untouched on her desk; even the bottle of water hadn’t left the food tray.

Again, more question filled his mind. What if Doctor Beckett was right? What if she really needed help with something? What was the problem she was struggling with? What could he do to help her? Too many ‘what’ questions emerged and provided him with a good explanation to his headache. He briefly checked his watch. It was almost twenty-one hundred hours and personnel from the nightshift gradually replaced the dayshift. He forced the pain and concerns from his face before he activated the control panel to open the door.

“Room service,” he said and held a mug of coffee up. He instantly saw the surprised but pleased expression on her face and she smiled too.

“I actually don’t know what to say,” she said and looked somewhat confused.

He was sure she really hadn’t expected this and that was a surprise in itself, since he had brought her coffee on other occasions too. Carefully he placed the mug on her desk and within seconds, she had folded her hands around it. “It’s warm, not hot anymore,” he said to explain and cover up for the time he had waited before entering her office.

“Thank you. It’s okay. Any coffee is better than none at all,” she whispered with a trail of delight in her voice.

John sat down on the chair in front of her desk. He was quickly re-evaluating a starting sentence to make her aware he wanted to talk when she took a sip of the coffee.

She pulled a face at the taste. “This is decaf,” she spat and placed the mug back on the desk.

She pushed the mug in his direction and looked almost furious. Maybe the decaf idea wasn’t that good after all. However, when he was getting the coffee the idea had seemed great and safe enough to try. He swallowed and moved his hand uncomfortably through his hair. “What about any coffee is better than none at all?” he asked hesitantly, forcing a weak smile onto his face.

“This is decaf,” she repeated in bewilderment. She stared at him, wondering how he could have brought her this.

He was beginning to panic and his whole body stiffened. He knew he was treading on very thin ice. If he were to say anything wrong, the cracks would spread further out, the thin layer would break and he would sink down, taking Elizabeth with him. “I’m sorry,” he said and tried to buy as much time as possible to think of a solution. It would be honourable to be honest to her, but Doctor Beckett was right that this could make her denial anything or drive her to other options, which could be even worse than taking sleeping pills. “I guess it would be a stupid excuse for me to say I took the wrong pot, or I thought you drink decaf at night, right?”

“John,” she sighed, calming down a little bit.

“I’m sorry. I thought it would taste the same and…” he started and shifted a bit in his chair to get comfortable. “Well you said you were going to bed early and since you like coffee it didn’t seem right to give you the caffeine version. Wrong choice, sorry.”

“That’s very kind of you, but I’d rather have no coffee at all than decaf.”

“So, the order is hot coffee, warm coffee or no coffee,” he summarized jokingly.

She smiled. “You’re forgetting the ice coffee,” she said.

It seemed he was off the hook for now. There were still other subjects he wanted to discuss, but didn’t know how to bring them up. He sighed and threw his head back.

“What is it, John?” she asked, her brow furrowing in his sudden attitude adjustment.

He sighed again and looked back at her. He knew she could read his face easily and decipher just as simply. However hard he tried, he could not hide his concerns anymore. Maybe he wasn’t the right person to talk to Elizabeth about this... Maybe Doctor Beckett should have done it himself. He was very good at handling emotions and calmly explaining the seriousness of injuries. Admittedly, she wasn’t the most exemplary patient, but there were far worse. On the other hand, she thought of him as her friend and if any of this were true, she would need a friend.

“You haven’t eaten anything,” he said and saw her look at her food tray. She seemed confused about the fact that her salad and water were still standing on it. From the look on her face, he could see she hadn’t intentionally forgotten to eat.

She shook her head. “Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve been very busy finalizing the last reports. They’re all ready to send to Earth tomorrow with the communication stream.”

“That’s good,” he nodded to her. “It’s okay. I know I shouldn’t meddle too much in your life. It’s just that you…” he broke off momentarily, searching for a way to put his thoughts into words that wouldn’t offend her, “...work too much.”

She softly chuckled. “Thank you for being concerned about my well being, but I’m fine. It’s just been a very hectic month and I was already behind with filing reports, even from last month. I have successfully caught up, I might add.”

Her words made the ice beneath his feet turn into solid ground. He was relieved to hear her explanation and hear the passion for her work, combined with the strength she had to continue no matter what obstacles were in her path. “Truce?” he asked her.

“Truce.” She replied, pausing before adding, “If you tell me what’s on your mind.”

He laughed, but inside he was feeling stupid. This was Elizabeth at her best. Turning and twisting a conversation in a certain way until she was leading it. “So what were you reading that was interesting enough to keep you in your office?” he asked, trying to gain the lead again.

“Actually, something that isn’t work related... yet,” she said, and he saw sparkles in her eyes.

Even without knowing what it was, he was sure it made her happy. He smiled and looked interested to hear the story.

Meanwhile Elizabeth closed the lid of the laptop. “It was a detailed report about a planet the ancients visited frequently. They studied the wildlife there. However, there’s not much information left and it’s in bits and pieces. But this planet kept a certain group of scientists occupied for decades.”

She rose from her seat and walked to the door. John also stood up and listened when she continued her story.

“I’m actually considering sending a team there. I might even put this planet at the top of the mission list.”

“Well, that sounds good,” he said, while they both walked away from her office. It was good to hear her express joy and excitement about something and the best part of it all was the fact that they were walking away from work.

They walked through the hallways together until they were standing in front of Elizabeth’s room. They hadn’t said much while walking. He had used the time to empty his mind.

“My stop,” Elizabeth said and he could see her gentle but fatigued smile.

He smiled too. “Sleep well.”

She looked at him and pouted her lips. “You’re not gonna tell me what’s on your mind?”

He held back a chuckle. She was so damn good at this game. Never forgetting any detail during talks and always getting back to unfinished subjects. That’s what made her a great diplomat, where others merely tried to keep their heads above the water. “It can wait. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t want to keep you away from the land of dreams.” He added a smirk and saw her eyes twinkle.

“Good night John,” she said before she opened the door and stepped inside.

Just before the door closed again, John threw in a last remark. “See you tomorrow.”

He felt satisfied and dared to breathe again. After checking his watch, he headed for his room. It was still early, but he had some reports to file and he had promised Doctor Beckett he would look at the security camera tonight. He walked around a corner and almost bumped into Teyla.

“Sorry,” he said and saw her throw a bewildered look at him.

She quickly recovered and smiled kindly at him. “It is okay, I was not paying attention.”

“It was a near collision.”

In response to his joke, she chuckled and moved past him. “It was. Are you well?” she added.

“Yeah, just tired,” he replied, feigning yawning.

“It has been quite stressful the last few weeks.”

His confirmation nod was interrupted when Teyla continued to talk. “Colonel, may I ask you a question?”

Her eyes had darkened and she seemed very serious. He felt a thoughtful frown wrinkle his fore head. “Sure.”

“We can go to my room,” she said and indicated for him to follow.

Suddenly all his defensive skills went on high alert again. He joined Teyla and knew it had to be important enough for her to ask him in her room. It wasn’t long before the two of them had reached the right door and they both entered the room.

“Teyla, what is it?” he asked and saw her sit down on a chair.

She looked up at him and searched for something. “John, I am concerned about Elizabeth,” she said.

He was sure he flinched as he felt a heavy burden being uploaded into his mind. He swallowed and took a deep breath. “I am too.” He rubbed one of his temples before sitting down on a chair opposite Teyla.

“She is not doing well. I have seen her work late. She often seems distracted.”

He processed the information, but didn’t get any new intelligence he could use. “Teyla, like you said, it has been very stressful and I’ve spoken to Elizabeth about it. She explained that she’s had to finish reports.”

“Very well. It is just that I have seen her working on many nights, sometimes even in the middle of the night.”

Alert bells started to go off and this time it wasn’t Elizabeth’s behaviour that had triggered them, but Teyla’s. It was unusual for her to wander around in the city late at night, and it was even less normal for her to be awake in the middle of the night. “Couldn’t sleep?” he asked and started to feel a little paranoid. Her name was not on the list Doctor Becket had showed him, but maybe she knew the code too.

“I will be fine,” she said.

However, the words and friendly smile didn’t give him any comfort. Was she trying to cover for Elizabeth? But then why tell him she’s worried. He ruled the whole Elizabeth set-up from his mind and focussed on Teyla again. “If there’s something…”

“It is personal,” Teyla interrupted and by the way she said it he knew he shouldn’t ask for the details.

“Just take it easy, okay,” he reminded her.

She nodded humbly. “I will.”

He got up from the chair. “Okay, that’s good to hear. And I’ll check in with Elizabeth.”

“Thank you.” Teyla stated with a warm smile, nodding once more before escorting John to the door.

He left the room and turned to stare at the closed door. He was almost too shocked to move. A difficult and surreal feeling prickled through his limbs. He needed to worry about more than just Elizabeth’s possible problem. Rodney was still on the list and in the past few minutes, Teyla had added herself to it as well. He moved his hand through his hair and went to his room. Hopefully he would have the answer soon, but deep down he didn’t want to catch any of his friends stealing pills. As soon as he entered his own room, he tried to push his worries aside, but failed when he opened his laptop and stated the video stream from the security camera.

***** Chapter 4 *****

John watched Elizabeth as she entered the view of the security camera. He bowed his head and sighed from disbelief. All this time he still had hope that there was some kind of confusion and someone else was sneaking into the infirmary. However, seeing Elizabeth near the medicine locker shot all of his hopes to pieces, leaving a small pile of rubble behind.

He rose from his chair and headed for the door. It would take him a couple of minutes running to get to the infirmary and he hoped she would still be there. During his run, he activated his radio to contact Doctor Beckett. “Doc, I’m heading to the infirmary. Elizabeth might need your help.”

“Aye, I’m on my way,” was the response he got when he almost ran into Rodney, who looked at him in a questioning manner. It was very likely he had heard him contact the doctor, but he didn’t have time for answering any questions. “Not now, Rodney,” he said and continued to run, leaving Rodney behind with a confused expression lingering on his face.

John had no idea how he was going to proceed, but frustration and anger started to grow. How could she be so stupid? She was smarter than this. She didn’t need to do this and even if there was something wrong, Doctor Beckett would have provided her with sleeping pills. There was absolutely no excuse for her to steal them. He wanted to hit his head against a wall and wake up from this dream, but he knew it wasn’t a dream at all.

It wasn’t long before he reached the door to the infirmary and took a deep breath before entering. In the corner on the left side, he saw a nurse sitting behind her laptop. She briefly checked and when he nodded her to stay seated, she obeyed. Nerves crawled through his body as he approached the medicine locker. He watched Elizabeth, standing frozen to the spot. She didn’t move at all and he even had trouble determining if she was breathing.

When she turned around, she flinched and looked bewildered at him. “John, you scared me.”

He couldn’t put a smile on his lips even if he wanted to. He was upset and angry. “Hand me the pills,” he said, holding his hand out.

Her eyes shot open and he could see her breathing become irregular. “Pills, what pills?” she asked with a slight tremor in her voice.

“Hand me the damn pills,” he demanded and looked straight at her.

She was shivering. “I just took an aspirin John,” she said and pulled a single blister pack from her pocket, containing a single pill. “I had a headache,” she added and tried to control her voice.

His rigid eyes were still fixed on her and he could see her swallow. She looked strangely at him as she stepped aside and started to move to the door. His mind was trying to understand what was happening. Could it be he was wrong and she just came to get an aspirin, or was she trying to conceal her addiction?

It appeared as if she wanted to escape and he couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t know why, but somehow he was sure she was the one taking the sleeping pills. Waiting for Doctor Beckett to count the pills would take too long. He needed to do something. Almost furious he swung around and grabbed her by the elbow. “The pills, Elizabeth,” he insisted once again holding out his hand.

He could feel the muscles in her body tighten, her eyes responding to his anger.

“Let me go,” she said and tried to wiggle her arm free.

He tightened his grip on her arm and started to pull her to one of the medical beds. He saw the nurse stand up from her chair, but he shook his head, after which she sat down again and tried to hide her face behind the screen of her laptop.

“You’re hurting me, let me go,” she pleaded and reached for her radio.

His hands intercepted her. “You don’t want to call security,” he whispered harshly while pulling her to the bed. “Now sit down.”

He lifted her body and placed her on the bed. She was numb and looked fearfully at him. Maybe he should have done this differently, but he had to be sure she remained in the infirmary. “Now, hand me the damn pills,” he said, emphasizing every word.

Her skin turned pale and she looked shocked. He looked straight at her and saw her eyes stare blankly back at him. “Which pocket?” he asked. He was still holding her arm and suddenly noticed her muscles relax and she bowed her head.

She took a deep breath, but didn’t speak.

“Elizabeth!”

“Left,” she sobbed and collapsed again his chest.

Instinctively he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, her hands clinging to his neck. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt and softly rubbed her back. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” he soothed and saw Doctor Beckett walking towards him.

Carson closed the curtains around the medical bed before he stepped inside. “Let’s keep this in the family, shall we.”

John nodded and tried to break free from Elizabeth’s tight grip on him. He succeeded and straightened her shoulders and back until she was sitting on her own. She turned her face away and avoided looking at him or the doctor.

“Elizabeth?” Carson called for attention, but she refused to look at either one of them.

“The pills are in the left pocket,” John told him and continued to look at her. She seemed so vulnerable in this position, leaving him clueless about what he could do for her. It had been the right decision to confront her while she was stealing the pills, but the method seemed too harsh. He put a kind smile on his lips, but she didn’t see it.

Carefully Doctor Beckett lifted her legs up on to the bed and guided her down. John assisted and took hold of her hand. It seemed as all the strength had left her body and she had given up. He had no idea what to do, but it felt good to hold her hand and try to provide some comfort.

She continued to avoid looking at them, even as Carson checked her pockets and removed a pack of pills.

Any doubt about the question that she had taken the pills was clarified. John felt sick to his stomach and looked at the doctor who inspected the pills before putting them on the table next to the bed.

Carson tilted her head in his direction. She struggled against it and when she failed, she closed her eyes. “Lass,” the doctor soothed and nudged at her shoulder.

John sighed and squeezed her hand. “Elizabeth, come on, say something.”

She tried to pull her hand loose, but he didn’t let her. Doctor Beckett got his medical equipment and started to check her vital signs.

It hurt John to see her lying helpless like this on the medical bed. It seemed as if he couldn’t do anything for her. John thought he knew her, knew how strong she could be. She had proved herself so much over the past few years, and he was getting a growing sense of unease at seeing his commander so vulnerable. He felt frustrated and cursed himself once more for not seeing the signs before. He just wished he could turn back time to solve the problem before it had started, but that was impossible. “Elizabeth,” he whispered softly while gently squeezing her hand. If he could only look her right in her eyes, maybe he could reach her and pull her back into sanity. “Why, Elizabeth?” He asked in despair and tried getting her attention again by squeezing her hand.

“Colonel.”

He saw Carson motion to step aside. He gently lay her hand down on the bed and whispered. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

John stepped through the opening in the curtains and walked towards Carson who was standing near the medicine locker. The doctor placed the pills back and selected an ampoule. “I’m going to report this as a migraine attack.”

“Good, good.” It was a relief to hear the doctor had come up with a plan.

“Colonel, don’t force her to talk. It can wait.”

“Okay, but…”

“Let’s just make sure she gets some rest and we will talk tomorrow.”

He saw the doctor prepare an injection and read the label on the ampoule. He didn’t know much about medicine, but he did know the doctor was going to give her a strong sedative.

He gave the doctor a wondering look. “She’s exhausted,” Carson explained before heading back to Elizabeth.

Slightly dazzled, John followed Carson. Elizabeth still had her eyes closed, but tears were now running silently down her face. He took her hand again, while the doctor injected her with the sedative. Shortly after, the tears stopped and her breathing calmed down. Her chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm and the tense and frightened expression on her face faded. He watched her for minutes before realizing Carson was removing her boots. He let go of her hand and carefully assisted the doctor in removing her jacket. When Carson started to open the button of her pants, he turned away, slightly uncomfortable by the action. He sought for a distraction and grabbed a blanket from the table next to the bed.

“I could use some help,” Carson whispered while he had placed one of Elizabeth’s feet in the pants of the white medical scrubs.

The uncomfortable feeling lasted, slowly crawling up his spine and he was sure he was blushing. Carefully he helped the doctor and tried to avoid any contact with her skin. This wasn’t his job. He felt confused and nervous. Why didn’t the doc do this before putting her to sleep and why ask him for help? Okay, it was better that nobody knew about the pills and everything, but he felt very awkward doing this without her knowing about it. The temperature in the infirmary seemed to rise. However, he knew this was just an illusion, trying to find an excuse for his discomfort. He was glad when Elizabeth was lying comfortably and eyed Doctor Beckett while narrowing his eyes.

“Don’t worry lad, I’ll get the nurse to change her shirt.” Carson grinned.

John exhaled in relief and took hold of the blanket again. Together they covered Elizabeth with it. It seemed as if she hadn’t noticed anything that they did. The lights above her were dimmed. Doctor Beckett nodded before he walked to his desk.

John stayed behind just a little longer. She looked like sleeping beauty, peacefuland content. He knew he wasn’t the only one worrying for her and this made him feel better. For tonight, he should try to stop the immense stream of concerns flooding him. He could worry again tomorrow. He gently stroked his hand over her cheek and her lips curled into a faint smile. She was a strong woman and whatever the reason for her behaviour, she would pull through.

As silently as possible, he opened the curtains and nodded to Carson before he left the infirmary.

***** Chapter 5 *****

John watched Elizabeth sitting on the medical bed. It seemed as if she was staring into nothingness. Her legs were curled up and her hands lay in her lap. She not only looked pale but extremely fatigued as well. He hadn’t noticed it yesterday, but today it was clearly evident that something was wrong with her. Her usual power and strength had been drained from her and for the moment, nothing more that a thin empty shell sat waiting for something to blow back some vitality and spirit into her.

Before walking to her, John turned to Doctor Beckett. He nodded his approval for the visit and turned back to working on his laptop. John moved to the bed, watching her, while she still sat motionless. He was sure she had heard him approach, but didn’t respond to it. Without saying a word or greeting, he dropped an information pad in her lap.

Startled she took a hold of it and looked up to him, “What’s this?” Her voice was weak and lacked any power, as did her posture.

“A list of R&R planets,” he said dropping the ball straight back at her.

Confusion spread rapidly over her face and he knew she wasn’t able to form a quick response. He could have tried to talk to her first, but somehow he had decided this was a better way of getting her attention. Even Doctor Beckett had not disagreed to his chosen method.

“hmm,” she stammered, not knowing what to think of this.

John could see a certain weakness, something he had not seen before. He took hold of her hand and helped her turn the pad on. “The Doc and I have talked this morning and decided you need some R&R time.”

“I don’t have time for that.” She said, letting her eyes trail to the list on the pad.

“Elizabeth, it’s not a request, but doctor’s orders. You’re relieved of duty until Doctor Beckett says you’re well enough to get back to work.”

“What? John! No! You can’t do this.” Panic showed in her eyes while she looked around the infirmary to see if anyone could have heard her.

He laid his hand on her shoulder, “Elizabeth, something’s wrong and we’re not gonna push you to talk, but you need to…”

He hadn’t finished his sentence before she started crying. Tears ran uncontrollably over her cheeks and John pulled her close to him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her head clasped in the crook of his neck. He softly rubbed on her back while she was shaking in his arms. Behind him, he heard the curtains close. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Doctor Beckett pulling the last piece of curtain shut, giving them some privacy.

“Shh, It’s okay,” he soothed her

.....